Help me realize my dream!

Copy-of-600x315-blackfriday2_128.gif_(GIF_Image,_600_×_315_pixels)_-_2014-09-09_20.36.17https://www.youcaring.com/becomingadoula
I know the benefits of having a doula and I want to be that person for others.
I’m recently married and trying to conceive. I want to offer my services to all communities who deserve access to doula services (LGBTQIA+, feminist, people of color, prisoners, the poor, disabled, etc)
The tuition for an upcoming training session is $500. Any amount you can donate is very much appreciated. Please share with everyone you can.

I found these photos the other night. ….

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I found these photos the other night while snooping around at my mom’s.
I have scratched out faces to keep them private and respect this.
The two visible are of me, I’m guessing around 6 years old. The other person visible is the man who molested me after this photo was taken (maybe a year later). He was my godfather. His name is Jim Garrison and the last I heard, he lived in Maryland. I trusted him, blindly, as young children often do. I never made that mistake again. My innocence was taken from me.

It’s been 23 years. I am just now beginning to process the pain, the grief, and the lack of support that I’ve endured. What he did to me was only the beginning of years of internal hate, punishment of my own body, nightmares, assault by other men, fighting with my mother, excruciating therapy, suicide attempts, and now I struggle in my marriage with the only man I trust.

When I found these pictures, my first instinct was to shut down. Numb myself and escape. I fought that instinct. It’s one that has helped me survive but one that is impeding my healing process. I have to feel the emotions and pain as they surface and then part with them. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I’ve gotten to where I can now speak about what he did to me. I’ve gotten to where I now blame him and not myself. My 7 year old self. I’ve worked so hard and there’s still so much more to do. I believe this will be a lifelong process.

You are capable of healing. You are so much stronger than you think. Don’t let these pieces of shit win one more tear, one more cut, one more second of pain. Heal yourself and know that they are horrible, terrible, unhappy sacks of human garbage and you’re so much more than them.

You’re an attention seeker!

Stop shitting all over people. Stop it right now. Don’t undermine and invalidate other people because you’re ignorant to their intentions or feelings. Just because you’ve never been there or that’s not how you would handle it, that doesn’t make it wrong.

Too many times, we hear that we’re attention seeking, perpetually depressed, or sometimes people actually believe that what the mentally ill are experiencing is a stage. A period of time that ALL people go through and you just need to get over it. That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works!

If I choose to wallow in my mood by listening to music and watching movies and blogging, then let me! If you choose to exercise and clean, or whatever happens to improve your mood for that moment, then have a blast! Not everyone processes things the same way and we all need to find our niche. Once we do, it’s comforting.

Coming onto Tumblr, and other sites with mentally ill/dark blogs, is a comfort and release for many of us. It’s a way to seek support and possibly vent. Why is this frowned upon? Some people don’t have anywhere else to go.

When I was first diagnosed 10 years ago, there was no internet comparable to the way it is now. There was MySpace and horribly stigmatic psychological information to digest. The first groups that began springing up were poorly run and ended up being suicide watch instead of a support for all involved. Tumblr came around and I was absolutely thrilled. I could be open and not be judged. It was fabulous!

Why do we have this incessant desire to share our hopelessness, our fears, and our behaviors online for all to read and, sadly, judge us? There’s something about “getting it out there” that is promising to us. We need it out of us and out there, into the world. We need it to be real.

i’m overwhelmed

i honestly don’t know how i’m keeping it together right now because i just want to cry and fall apart and just breathe!!!! but i have to act like everything is okay but in all actuality my stomach hurts 98% of the time and i can’t eat anything and i’m not sleeping well and i’m so stressed and so anxious and on the verge of tears and a break down at any moment and i have no one to talk to, which is the most painful part.

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Moving on..

What do you do when you’ve lost someone you care deeply about and you don’t know how to move on? What then? They’re still alive but you’re no longer a part of their world, for whatever reason, and you are in pain. What do you do?

I’ve never learned how to grieve properly. I don’t know how to end a close relationship with someone and then just continue my life. I see and hear things that remind me of them and it hurts. I’m told to look back fondly and remember my time with them as a positive chapter in my life, which I do, but I’m still aching. I need to fill that void.

This person was very important to me and they suddenly are not a part of my life. I cannot just move on. I cannot just forget it and live my life like everything is okay. I don’t know why that’s expected of me. I don’t know why my experience is downplayed.

I don’t know what to do and I have no one to ask.

BREATHE

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7/11 breathing. A skill to use for anxiety. It’s recommended to do it for 10-15 minutes. Like any other skill it does require a lot of practice. I advice that you practice it when you are feeling calm so you are ready in a time of need. If you lose count, which is easily done, simply start again until you do 15 minutes. It will also help with distraction even if you don’t get it right the first hundred times.

Thoughts that betray

When you have thoughts in your head that you know, logically, are wrong, but you still think them and believe them to be true, just a little bit. Just enough to where they hurt. Enough that they depress you and make you hate yourself. These thoughts seem to come like a tsunami.

You’re fat ugly boring mean stupid useless mean lazy

Why is he marrying you? You should just disappear. Why are you even bothering? Stay in bed. Don’t shower. You’ll never look like that so don’t bother. You’ll always be horrible.

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you the opposite, sometimes your brain gangs up on you and won’t stop. When those people that are most important in your life don’t bother to positively boost you and build you up, it doesn’t help you defeat these thoughts at all. You sometimes can’t do it alone and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be tackled alone. We’re social beings.

Lately my brain cannot/will not slow down. Every silent moment is filled with racing negative, self defeating thoughts. I cry every night and trying to complete the simplest of tasks is becoming impossible.

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Negative racing thoughts have a lot of power. We shouldn’t just shrug them off and treat them like some minor nuisance. They have a major impact on our emotional well being and acting like they’re something we can just turn off is ignorant and dangerous. Learning how to change our coping when we have negative thoughts is more effective, in my opinion, than just telling someone to change their thoughts. If we learn to effectively cope with our thoughts then we are more likely to be able to learn how to challenge negative thoughts in the future.

I cannot pretend that I know how to handle oppressive, self defeating, negative thoughts. I have them everyday, sometimes all day. Lately, I have been dealing with them on a regular basis and I don’t know how to handle it. I cry a lot. I try to journal and let it out. I sleep. I just keep going. I know that I’ve been through a lot worse and I can get through this too.