This weekend I was devastatingly depressed, until Sunday. Sunday was a good day. And now today, I’m back to laying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I missed PHP, again. I don’t feel like dealing with the dog, eating, or finishing laundry.
My psychiatrist will probably say it’s a problem with my meds.
My therapists will know that it’s because I’m alone. Plain and simple. I cannot take being alone. Nothing throws me into a depressive slump quicker. This makes me feel weak and like a burden. I smother those around me. I’m terrified of being alone.
Journal entry 1/20/13
Why Anhedonia now? Why so intensely? I want to lay in an open field, staring up at the sky. I want to empty brain and truly be at peace.
i want to lay in bed and have a female, caring, push the hair away from my forehead and just be there for me.
i want to feel again.
Journal entry 5/10/12
I feel like I was kicked in the gut. I’m so angry, agitated, and anxious. I feel extreme hate for pedophiles and rapists right now, more than usual. I need someone, a woman, to soothe me. Wrap your arms around me while I sob.
I hate men. Sick assholes that live how their dicks direct them.
Journal entry 5/10/12
I have to go through therapy because of you. What are you doing right now?!
you lied to my mom and she blamed me. She insisted nothin happened. She said I remembered things wrong. I can visualize that night like a movie, running in my head.
i won’t be sad the day you die. I don’t care about you at all. You’ve made me distrust me because you violated my trust. Who the hell does that to a child?! Sick people do what you did.
dont ever contact me again. I don’t even want to acknowledge your existence.
Journal entry 2/29/12
I don’t know what it feels like to not have death as an option. Even when I’m considered stable, like snow, I still think of it often. I haven’t burned myself in so long, my scars have fasted, an yet, I still think of suicide as a “get out of shitty life “free card. I stare at the gian 150 count bottle of pills and wonder if I’d make it through without throwing up first or passing out. Of course, I’d have to eat all of my Vyvanse and Klonopin too. Lamictal won’t cut the mustard. Why is this still such an obsession for me? Once it was there, in my brain, it’s like it planter it’s see to stay. I keep hacking away at the soil but to no avail. Will I always struggle with suicidality? What an exhausting existence.
Journal entry August 10, 2011
Well, after I told Chris what happened with Anne and had a good cry, he put a completely different perspective on this whole thing. My plan to try and “hate” her in order to make it easier to leave Is probably not going to work now. he mentioned that there’s the possibility that she goes home and is affected over this too. I just broke down. I started sobbing from my gut for a good 5 minutes, I couldn’t breathe. To think of her in pain caused me even more pain.
Journal entry August 9,2011
I want to hate you to make it easier to leave. I want to despise and resent you so that when I look back on you, I don’t cry. I don’t want to feel like you’re vital to my life that is being torn away against my will. Why do I always get to feel like I made the mistake? I was too open. I was too clingy. I was unstable and I scared you. You’re just plain sick of me. Maybe I started acting like we were friends too much instead of maintaining proper protocol? I’m sorry for whatever I did. I have a natural tendency to latch on and smother everyone so I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re leaving. I guess I’d leave me too. Everyone always has and always will. I’m trying so hard to be mad at you. I’m hoping off I can succeed, at least a little, it won’t hurt so much. To be honest, I have no idea what to do except cry and lay in bed.
Journal entry 4/19/11
Sitting on the edge of my bed, contemplating where on my body I should burn. So many racing thoughts running through my head. Thinking about far too many things at once. It’s enough to drive you mad.
i feel repulsive, so I want to make myself truly repulsive. I want to be so disgusting that no one ever wants to be with me. I feel like a piece of shit. Worthless and ugly.
FAT FAT
not only am I physically ugly, I’m a shit friend and girlfriend. My personality sucks. I’m negative and self involved. I wouldn’t be with me. Why should anyone else? What positive things do I bring to the table? Nothing.
im
Journal entry 4/18/11
I am ugly. I am fat. I should just kill myself and spare everyone the burden of taking care of me. I’m inept. I’m a waste. Who wants me? No one. I should rot in bed. I’ll never finish school. I will always fail. I find flaws everywhere I look on my body. I hate myself. Everything anyone said ever said about me that was bad, is true. When I’m gone, no one will care. I want to slice my arm open. I hate life.
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
I just want it to stop
