I found these photos the other night while snooping around at my mom’s.
I have scratched out faces to keep them private and respect this.
The two visible are of me, I’m guessing around 6 years old. The other person visible is the man who molested me after this photo was taken (maybe a year later). He was my godfather. His name is Jim Garrison and the last I heard, he lived in Maryland. I trusted him, blindly, as young children often do. I never made that mistake again. My innocence was taken from me.
It’s been 23 years. I am just now beginning to process the pain, the grief, and the lack of support that I’ve endured. What he did to me was only the beginning of years of internal hate, punishment of my own body, nightmares, assault by other men, fighting with my mother, excruciating therapy, suicide attempts, and now I struggle in my marriage with the only man I trust.
When I found these pictures, my first instinct was to shut down. Numb myself and escape. I fought that instinct. It’s one that has helped me survive but one that is impeding my healing process. I have to feel the emotions and pain as they surface and then part with them. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I’ve gotten to where I can now speak about what he did to me. I’ve gotten to where I now blame him and not myself. My 7 year old self. I’ve worked so hard and there’s still so much more to do. I believe this will be a lifelong process.
You are capable of healing. You are so much stronger than you think. Don’t let these pieces of shit win one more tear, one more cut, one more second of pain. Heal yourself and know that they are horrible, terrible, unhappy sacks of human garbage and you’re so much more than them.
Stop shitting all over people. Stop it right now. Don’t undermine and invalidate other people because you’re ignorant to their intentions or feelings. Just because you’ve never been there or that’s not how you would handle it, that doesn’t make it wrong.
Too many times, we hear that we’re attention seeking, perpetually depressed, or sometimes people actually believe that what the mentally ill are experiencing is a stage. A period of time that ALL people go through and you just need to get over it. That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works!
If I choose to wallow in my mood by listening to music and watching movies and blogging, then let me! If you choose to exercise and clean, or whatever happens to improve your mood for that moment, then have a blast! Not everyone processes things the same way and we all need to find our niche. Once we do, it’s comforting.
Coming onto Tumblr, and other sites with mentally ill/dark blogs, is a comfort and release for many of us. It’s a way to seek support and possibly vent. Why is this frowned upon? Some people don’t have anywhere else to go.
When I was first diagnosed 10 years ago, there was no internet comparable to the way it is now. There was MySpace and horribly stigmatic psychological information to digest. The first groups that began springing up were poorly run and ended up being suicide watch instead of a support for all involved. Tumblr came around and I was absolutely thrilled. I could be open and not be judged. It was fabulous!
Why do we have this incessant desire to share our hopelessness, our fears, and our behaviors online for all to read and, sadly, judge us? There’s something about “getting it out there” that is promising to us. We need it out of us and out there, into the world. We need it to be real.
i honestly don’t know how i’m keeping it together right now because i just want to cry and fall apart and just breathe!!!! but i have to act like everything is okay but in all actuality my stomach hurts 98% of the time and i can’t eat anything and i’m not sleeping well and i’m so stressed and so anxious and on the verge of tears and a break down at any moment and i have no one to talk to, which is the most painful part.
When you have thoughts in your head that you know, logically, are wrong, but you still think them and believe them to be true, just a little bit. Just enough to where they hurt. Enough that they depress you and make you hate yourself. These thoughts seem to come like a tsunami.
You’re fat ugly boring mean stupid useless mean lazy
Why is he marrying you? You should just disappear. Why are you even bothering? Stay in bed. Don’t shower. You’ll never look like that so don’t bother. You’ll always be horrible.
It doesn’t matter how many people tell you the opposite, sometimes your brain gangs up on you and won’t stop. When those people that are most important in your life don’t bother to positively boost you and build you up, it doesn’t help you defeat these thoughts at all. You sometimes can’t do it alone and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be tackled alone. We’re social beings.
Lately my brain cannot/will not slow down. Every silent moment is filled with racing negative, self defeating thoughts. I cry every night and trying to complete the simplest of tasks is becoming impossible.
Negative racing thoughts have a lot of power. We shouldn’t just shrug them off and treat them like some minor nuisance. They have a major impact on our emotional well being and acting like they’re something we can just turn off is ignorant and dangerous. Learning how to change our coping when we have negative thoughts is more effective, in my opinion, than just telling someone to change their thoughts. If we learn to effectively cope with our thoughts then we are more likely to be able to learn how to challenge negative thoughts in the future.
I cannot pretend that I know how to handle oppressive, self defeating, negative thoughts. I have them everyday, sometimes all day. Lately, I have been dealing with them on a regular basis and I don’t know how to handle it. I cry a lot. I try to journal and let it out. I sleep. I just keep going. I know that I’ve been through a lot worse and I can get through this too.
Well. I guess the extent of my trying is whining and bitching on Tumblr and then sleeping when no one listened.
I also attempted to drown myself in TV and homework but they didn’t work either.
I’m miserable and this is a special sticky, molasses type of miserable that I can’t unstick.
My old ways of “coping” would have been to hurt myself and take too many pills. I’d sleep all day and night and eventually check into the hospital.
I have zero desire to do either thing. I know none of it will help me and is more of a colossal waste at this point. This isn’t growth or anything. I knew self injury and abusing pills was bad, I did it anyway. I just need help.
I have so much weighing on me right now that even summarizing it is a heavy task. There’s so much stress to finish up loose ends for the wedding and there’s a lot left and I’m doing it by myself. I feel overwhelmed.
There’s also my classwork. I am trying so hard to stay on top of it but this is the worst time I could be in a class.
I am seriously getting cold feet and I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I have no therapist and no friends. I feel like Chris barely talks with me anymore. Like it’s a chore.
I hate looking at myself. In pictures or the mirror or even a reflection and I’m about to get married and I’m terrified. I hate my hair and my face and my body and everything and I’m not getting any support because I haven’t shared with anyone but…..well I get sad because I feel like my future husband should make me feel good once in awhile and he doesn’t even try. He has to know something is wrong with me right now but I feel like he’d rather not address it and would rather ignore it until it until it resolves itself. How are we going to stay married if we can’t help each other through emotional shit?
I mean, there’s so much going on in my head right now and I just keep breaking down. I’m crying every night. No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. I feel isolated and ugly and I don’t know how I’m going to go on anymore. I’m not happy. Getting married in two months isn’t going to magically make me happy either.
We have not dealt with our non-existent sex life, which I know has to be bothering him. It’s been almost a year since we had sex last. I think about it and it terrifies me. I’m also scared he’s looking elsewhere. I don’t have anything to go off of but a fear.
These are all things I need to resolve and now!
I need someone now.
I have no one.