Sympathy….what?

Lack of sympathy in one’s life can make for some real issues down the road.  Remember when you were a kid and you got sick? If you had the ideal mother or father, you were taken care of and made to feel secure; safe. This is the “job” of a parent: to take care of their children emotionally and physically. It feels good even as an adult to be cared for when you feel your most vulnerable, and miserable. Too many of us didn’t receive this kind of necessary nurturing and I am one of those unlucky people. Sure, there were occasional times I was pampered and cared for when I was sick. I won’t say I was completely neglected or anything. The problem I have is that I was cared for but was also made to feel like my being sick was an annoying burden. This continued into adulthood and still to this day. I think this would be why I form unhealthy attachments to certain people.

When I was a child, I’d have to guess around the 7-10 year old span, I used to play make believe with my friends and siblings. We played restaurant, house, rock stars, whatever. I distinctly remember always wanting to play the dramatic heroine that ultimately dies for some reason. I wanted to have that sympathy and pity you would get if this were actually happening. I fed off of it, it made me feel good. I remember thinking it was weird then and not understanding why I needed this interaction. I ultimately stopped doing this because I was fearful someone would call me out on it.

I have noticed in the last several years, a consistent gravitation to those who care and nurture me emotionally/physically.  My therapist was the first person I noticed this sudden emotional closeness to.   A lot of patients develop emotional attachments with their therapist and psychologist. The leap from closeness to almost obsessive wasn’t gradual. I’m not a stalker or anything inappropriate but I still think about her and I haven’t had a session with her in almost 3 years. I don’t know what to say or how to act; it’s really disorienting. I’ve thought about talking to her about this many times but I’m scared that she’d take it the wrong way. There’s no sexual attraction or anything similar, it’s entirely emotional. The only thing I can think of is she fills a spot where my mother needs/ needed to be involved and wasn’t.

This yearning for that complete feeling hasn’t stopped. I’m in physical therapy right now for an injury that occurred several months ago. The physical therapist I see if a very nice woman. Right away I noticed she was a very soft spoken and caring person.  I actually get nervous that I won’t have her when I go for my appointments. I’m terrified she’ll abandon me and I’m dreading the day my therapy ends (which will be soon).  It’s a terribly uncomfortable feeling and I wish it would go away. I feel like such a weirdo for feeling this way about complete strangers but I can somewhat understand why I do.

The most aggravating part of this whole thing is that I have no one to talk this over with. I need someone to tell me how to cope and deal with my feelings. I don’t need someone to invalidate them or think differently about me, I’ve had enough of that in my life.

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2 thoughts on “Sympathy….what?

  1. wow. i read your post and suddenly a lot of things made sense in my life lol. I have definitely experienced what you are talking about myself and knowing that I am not the only one definitely helps :). I just started blogging myself and its really helped me get my thoughts out! Looking forward to reading ur blog.

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