This day is going in the books as one of the worst in a long time.

I almost did the unthinkable today, again. I had a horrible, horrible day and was so devoid of positivity, I couldn’t see any reason to go on. I have had a “plan” for years now and I’ve used it twice, to no avail obviously. Luckily I went to sleep instead of going through with it. I’m pretty sure I would have been successful this time too.

People who don’t suffer from mental illness or have never been suicidal just can’t possibly empathize with those who do like is needed. Calling a hot-line doesn’t help. Going to the ER doesn’t help. It may save you that moment but until how long? When you get out of the hospital, your problems from before are still there as well as some new ones. I never thought I’d reach the day or moment when being admitted to the hospital didn’t appeal to me. I know they can’t and won’t help me. I have no money and no insurance so I’m useless in their eyes. The whole system is fucked.

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6 thoughts on “This day is going in the books as one of the worst in a long time.

  1. I completely understand that feeling. i too have had a plan for what feels like forever. The other night i was really depressed. I’ve gained over 80lbs in one year and it has gotten to a point where i can’t function without my weight being in my way. It depresses me and bogs me down until i get to that whole worthlesss feeling all over again. Anywho, i went to Walmart and bought a blade with the intention of killing myself and just saying fuck everything. I had the blade to my wrist and moved it down to my forearm and instead of slitting my wrists and getting this whole ordeal over with i ended up cutting instead….i know it’s not healthy and i know it isn’t right. My husband doesn’t get it at all. He gets so pissed off when i cut and though i appreciate his concern in my opinion it’s my body and i’ll do what i want to it. Anywho i think his biggest concern is that i’ll kill myself….he may end up being right. But he sure as hell doesn’t have a clue what to do when i feel down and out and suicidal…but i can’t expect him to i suppose.

  2. I totally understand what you are saying! I have been exactly where you are! I still get suicidal at times. I would say you can’t imagine how many times I stayed alive only because like you I fell asleep, but you might be able to imagine that. From the time I was 12 on I knew the only way to end the pain was to kill myself. I survived several attempts, and still wish some days I could just end everything. I have learned to live moment to moment when things get that bad! Anyway, I hear you… and I understand!

  3. I’m so glad you’re still alive. I had a couple unsuccessful attempts, and I still feel like ending things when my emotions overwhelm me… but I’ve been doing a lot better since I started therapy and medication. Keeping a blog has actually been really therapeutic as well.

    I agree… the hospital is definitely not appealing. I’ve been admitted three times and I never want to go there again. It made me even more depressed!

    People who have never been that low can’t possibly understand the horrible thoughts and feelings you go through in that moment you want to end it all… But I’ve found that as much as I don’t want to reach out to anybody when I feel like that, if I don’t I’ll either wind up actually killing myself or going to the hospital again. Ultimately, I don’t really want either of those things to happen.. It’s just the self-destructive mindset I get in. There have been times where I’ve begged my mom to physically stop me from going through with a suicidal or self-destructive thought I’ve had, and that’s what saved me. I know people don’t always respond the way they should or completely understand, and that’s hard… But I know that, at least in my case, if I didn’t have SOMEONE to turn to (whether they could empathize or not)…well, I wouldn’t be here.

  4. I always use sleep as a way to block out feelings or shut off if I can to prevent any action…. it may save lives in the physical sense, but sometimes I feel my life is not really saved if I sleep it away whenver something triggers despare in me.

  5. I so relate to what you’re going through. I’ve had a “plan” for a long time. I haven’t been able to work since 2007 because of my depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder. Despite all of this, I have been turned down by Social Security for disability twice. I’m broke and the only thing I can be thankful for is I am a veteran and get all my health care for free. However, the mental health program sucks. I’ve been jerked around from on pdoc to another because they keep moving everyone. Already have had four therapist. I’ve called the suicide crisis line four times and you’re right, it’s useless. All they do is try to trick you into thinking you shouldn’t feel like this and you have a purpose in life. Last time I called I got blown off by this “tricky” talk. I’m able to put on a facade no matter how shitty I feel, but it’s getting harder and harder. So the person on the other end of the line says “Well I must go now so I can help another veteran”..WTF? So VA ends up sending me to a “specialty” therapist and this idiot tried to talk me into applying for a minimum wage job so I could “have a purpose”. I was making almost six figures and I’m supposed to go work at McDonalds? They wouldn’t hire me anyway because I’m overqualified. ..What a crock of crap. Anyway so glad you’re still here and thanks for the blog. Knowing I’m not the only one who is going through this makes me feel better….

    • I’m so sorry that you’ve been dealing with this bullshit from the VA but I won’t lie and say I’m surprised. Although you’re lucky enough to receive treatment, it’s shitty treatment. I’ve also been turned down for SSDI and chose not to try again for an appeal. I just didn’t think I could handle it. I haven’t been in treatment for almost 4 years now and it’s been super tough. I’m here to talk any time you need.

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