mood: horribly depressed reason: unknown/don’t wanna say

On the way home, I wanted to drive into a tree or off a bridge. Anyone that’s felt suicidal knows what I’m talking about. Anyone that’s BPD or depressive really knows. It’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Your heart aches but not physically. You feel a lump in your throat and no amount of swallowing will make it go away. You suddenly feel tired but know that it’s not sleep you need.  I kept looking at the clock and wondering why time was taking so long. Why wasn’t I home yet? Why did it matter? When you have nothing to look forward to, time is your worst enemy.

When I get into these moods, whatever you want to call them, there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better. The only thing I do is sleep and hopefully wake up feeling better. Making my mind shut-up is the biggest issue. I think too intensely about stuff that probably doesn’t deserve it and therefore end up feeling too intensely like shit.

This may seem like gibberish to some but to those who have felt this way, this hits close to home. When you feel like driving to the nearest hospital and just sitting there until someone notices you. When you want to park in front of your therapist’s office until the next morning when they arrive to work. When you want to sit on the edge of your bed and stare at the wall for hours. All you know is you feel horrible but have no clue what to do about it. When you want to end it but not really. When death is all you can think of but it hasn’t come to that point yet. Panic, intense sadness, anxiety, physical sickness, and a heavy heart.

If you’re lucky enough to have someone ask you what’s wrong and all you can do is choke back tears and tell them “you don’t feel good”. They may ask if you’re sick and you say no. It’s not a cold or stomach ache, it’s worse.


6 thoughts on “mood: horribly depressed reason: unknown/don’t wanna say

  1. WOW, you sound exactly like me. I don’t really have any great ways to get through those moments. It is so hard to explain this to people, although the only person I tell about these feelings is my therapist. Sometimes she asks me what is wrong and I can’t really tell her, because no one thing is really wrong. The last thing I want is to be in the hospital, but sometimes I long for it. Sometimes I want to be dead or just feel safe and I guess I have felt safe at the hospital so I wish I was in one. I think sometimes I don’t really want to be dead, as much as I want my life is it was/is to be gone. I want my mind to stop reminding me of how crazy I am and how crazy my life has been. I just have to live moment to moment. I am glad I know someone else who understands the feelings. I normally can’t find words to describe them.

  2. I’ve had my days like that. I get up, walk to work and I’ll just be pissed off at everyone and everything but no idea why. When i’m in those kinds of moods my ego somehow gets bigger and I feel i need to control everyone else in order to make me happy….I said a few things I shouldn’t have to someone very dear to me and I don’t know why. I just sit for hours picking my brain apart trying to figure it all out. I feel your pain.

  3. I’ve never been suicidal or seriously depressed, but I do have social anxiety disorder, so I can understand to an extant the frustration of it all. The not feeling “normal” is what bothers me the most, not being able to make other people understand; I want to feel like I did before all this started, and I’m not sure I ever will. That scares me, the not knowing if it will ever be over with.
    You know I love you, and if you ever need to talk, I’m always around. ❤

  4. When I read this, I was in utter shock. I’ve been feeling the exact same way the past few days. I’m afraid to drive around when I feel like that. All I can do is try and make it home in one piece.

  5. What a relief to know that someone feels the same. I have never been suicidal but shut down and go to bed for days and days. It is awful. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Not even my dog who I adore. So life goes on and I see no-one or talk to no-one and eventually I go onto the next feeling who knows what that is till it comes. They ask what are the triggers, what triggers there are none I have BPD does no-one know what that is, how,it feels. No they don’t.

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