On the way home, I wanted to drive into a tree or off a bridge. Anyone that’s felt suicidal knows what I’m talking about. Anyone that’s BPD or depressive really knows. It’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Your heart aches but not physically. You feel a lump in your throat and no amount of swallowing will make it go away. You suddenly feel tired but know that it’s not sleep you need. I kept looking at the clock and wondering why time was taking so long. Why wasn’t I home yet? Why did it matter? When you have nothing to look forward to, time is your worst enemy.
When I get into these moods, whatever you want to call them, there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better. The only thing I do is sleep and hopefully wake up feeling better. Making my mind shut-up is the biggest issue. I think too intensely about stuff that probably doesn’t deserve it and therefore end up feeling too intensely like shit.
This may seem like gibberish to some but to those who have felt this way, this hits close to home. When you feel like driving to the nearest hospital and just sitting there until someone notices you. When you want to park in front of your therapist’s office until the next morning when they arrive to work. When you want to sit on the edge of your bed and stare at the wall for hours. All you know is you feel horrible but have no clue what to do about it. When you want to end it but not really. When death is all you can think of but it hasn’t come to that point yet. Panic, intense sadness, anxiety, physical sickness, and a heavy heart.
If you’re lucky enough to have someone ask you what’s wrong and all you can do is choke back tears and tell them “you don’t feel good”. They may ask if you’re sick and you say no. It’s not a cold or stomach ache, it’s worse.