I keep lying to myself and others about my current mood. I keep telling everyone I feel badly because I’m PMSing, but I know it’s really because I’m horribly lonely. You’d think, with the horrible relationship I have with my mom, that I’d be ecstatic to have the house to myself for several days. At first, I was elated and couldn’t wait for them to leave. By the second day, I was feeling the black cloud of depression looming in the background. By the third day, I was just plain moody and it didn’t help that I wasn’t getting my fulfillment from anyone else. I transitioned between anger and sadness so quickly, I told myself it had to be my hormones. When others asked me what the deal was, I chocked it up to PMS and it was accepted. Now, I ‘m not too sure.
Although I am hesitant to say I’m happy they’ll be walking through that door any minute, a little part of me is relieved. I’m sure that feeling will go away tomorrow as soon as my mom starts in on her bullshit. As soon as I realize that she didn’t miss me or I don’t get a hug or a kiss. But as I’m typing this, all I can think of is how I want this horrible feeling to leave me. I guess I’m grasping at anything I can think of but, that’s what’s keeping me alive.
I’m not entirely sure how much longer I’ll be able to do this alone. It’s been a long time already and I’m exhausted.