The breathing exercises aren’t enough. My mind is in overdrive today. I’ve been over analyzing things and then analyzing them again. Every time I try to slow my brain down and clear my head, I’m only able to do so for a few seconds.
There were a couple occasions in the car ride home where I almost broke down and sobbed. I was able to breathe and keep my composure. I’m just kind of bummed right now though. I just feel like these exercises are making it more possible for me to suppress and bury my feelings instead of dealing with them. I understand the premise to control my emotions and actions at that moment so as not to freak out or do something regretful but it’s just enabling me to become more of an emotional shell of a person.
I’m not learning the skills I need to effectively and safely cope with these incidences and these events that are causing such a strong emotional reaction. I don’t feel the way I do for no reason. It may seem minor to many who don’t understand why and how I feel, but to those that do… well, you know.
I feel I have so much inside that I need to get it out or I’m going to explode. This is the main reason I have this blog. I hope to have a release of some sort as well as a way to possibly help others like me. I still feel I need to tell the people involved in the creation of my emotional woes that they are doing so. The issues I have with this is that I’m terrified they’ll leave me. As confrontational as I am in other areas of my life, I can’t seem to get the balls to handle the shit I need to handle. Why am I the only one that feels, yearns, to release my thoughts and feelings? Why am I the only one that wants to talk things out and make them better? I feel like no one cares anymore. I feel like I’m living out this whole argument and fight inside my head and I’m not getting anywhere.
I’m hoping this new counselor that I start seeing tomorrow morning might be able to help me with this. It’s frustrating to not know what to do and to not have someone to help me know.