“Wish I could buy back the woman you stole”

My tattoo, across my chest, is a quote from “Y control” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

“Wish I could buy back the woman you stole” has a double meaning for me. Other than the fact that it’s a YYY’s song, it symbolizes how I feel about my mother and father. My parents divorced when I was still an infant. I don’t know the details other than what they’ve both told me. They have two very differing points of view on the matter so I’m taking a little from each one. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that my dad was not ready for the responsibility of a child and my mom is (and always had been) a nag who is very controlling. Combine the two and you have a failed marriage. I wish they would have come to this realization before I was born but they didn’t.

My dad has always been around to help pay for any expenses I needed, on top of his monthly child support. If I needed school clothes, he gave me ample cash to get them. I’ve always had the funds I needed for the big expenses. I did struggle in the day-to-day though. My mom was a single mom with no college education. She remarried when I was 6 and had my brother shortly after. She married a total loser who ended up causing more debt and she had to file for bankruptcy. Add to all of this another child and then ultimately another failed marriage, you have my childhood experiences with men.

I rarely saw my dad and when I did, we didn’t do anything fun or “father/daughter”. He rarely spoke to me while I was with him and I just ended up watching TV most of the time. To this day, we rarely see each other unless I need money. I hate asking him for it but when I’m in an impossible bind, I do. I know that deep in my heart, I would gladly trade all the money he’s ever given me for a relationship. I feel like I’m not even related to him sometimes. When I kiss his cheek or hug him, I don’t feel the love. I wish I could buy back the woman he stole; that part of me that now has issues with men and has never had a daddy.

The other half of my tattoo would be my mother. She struggled and provided what she could in the way of material necessities but never did in the emotional section. Although I know she loves me, I have no relationship with her. We don’t share with each other or have a bond. She breaks me down emotionally in the worst ways. It’s a horrible feeling to not have a healthy or loving relationship with either parent.

I guess I really just wish I could literally buy back the woman I could have been, had I had the relationships I yearn for with my parents. Some people may not understand why I even care. I’m not treated well by either of them and some might think that I should just say “Fuck you” and move on. I wish I could. In my heart, I still think they’ll change. I think that maybe they’ll wake up one morning and be different. I know it’s not going to happen but I still hope it will. One good thing that’s come of this is that when I have my own child, I know how to not treat them.


One thought on ““Wish I could buy back the woman you stole”

  1. Just remember you are the women they stole, if that makes any sense. You are the wonderful, unique, beautiful, intelligent and passionate woman you are today because of what you experienced and how you have dealt with it. They stole your childhood, but not you.

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