I recently began seeing a therapist again for the first time in three years. I was very attached to my last therapist and was sad that our relationship had to end, but it did. I have sought out treatment since then but to no avail. I attended numerous support groups, applied & was denied for SSDI, and begged my parents to help pay out-of-pocket. If there was ever an award for the person who “want’s treatment the most“, it would go to me for sure.
That being said, I really like my new therapist. She’s not too much older than me, which means she can still connect and be relevant. She’s not too young either. I think we’ve finally moved past most of the initial “getting to know you” crap that you always have to go through in therapy and moved on to the “fixing you” stage. I still have this rushed feeling each session though. Fifty minutes flies by so fast and I always feel like I miss something because I get caught up on something else. I guess that’s fairly normal but it’s annoying.
I am already having thoughts about our relationship and feel I need to speak to her about them. I know it is a very common thing for patients to become attached emotionally, and sometimes physically, to their therapists. I have the worst luck with getting these attractive female therapists who fulfill a certain part of my emotional black hole that my mother never could. What I’m wondering is this: Do BPDs, with their abandonment and attachment issues, have a much harder problem with their relationships in regards to therapy? Take someone who has issues saying “goodbye” to pretty much anyone in their lives and add the emotional validation you receive from a therapist; what an equation!
I signed my contract with her a week ago and the first thing that popped into my head was the inevitable expiration date for our relationship. I know, logically, that therapy is not meant to last a lifetime. The problem I seem to have is that I want it to. I yearn for a connection with someone in my life so badly that it doesn’t matter to me who it’s with at this point, I just need it. If my therapist offers it to me once a week, okay by me! I don’t care if I’m paying for it, at least it’s there. I think I may try to address these issues on Monday. I will go in and mention to her that I already obsessively think about her and that I am already dreading the day she says “our time is up” for the last time. What I’m worried about is that she’ll be so freaked out by my attachment in such a short time that she’ll recommend we not see each other. Talk about the worst thing to do to someone who thinks, feels, and acts like me; the typical BPD.