Feel like you have to hide? Me too.

I recently asked my best friend/guy I just broke up with/whatever the hell we are if he could please start sharing with me more. I feel like I’m pretty damn good at this whole “helping/listening/giving advice/being a shoulder to lean on” thing. I don’t know, maybe I think I am and I’m really not.

I also mentioned to him that I feel like I can’t be completely honest with him, or anyone else for that matter. If I told him everything that runs through my head, I would be institutionalized, I’m sure. We all feel like that don’t we? I have spoken to many other mentally ill people, particularly BPDs, that have said the same thing. They’re scared to say what is troubling them to anyone, even their therapists, because they don’t want to be locked up or have their children taken away. How is this helpful to them? They cannot receive the proper care and treatment if they feel they have to be so selective in what they share with the main people that are there to help.

I guess the big question is: “What can we do to help this problem?”. I’m not quite sure what the answer is myself. I think fighting stigma is one part of the problem but what’s the other? Maybe therapists and other professionals need to not be so scared they’ll be held liable if something happens? They’re so quick to throw you into the loony bin if you even mention the “S” word, but they don’t understand how us BPDs work. With regards to suicide, just because we say we think about it everyday, every minute, doesn’t mean we are necessarily going to do it. It is an obsessive, racing thoughts thing that once it’s been put into our heads, we can’t get out. I think about it daily and I already have a plan. I haven’t attempted in almost 2-3 years. If I tell my therapist or a friend that I think about it all the time, should I be locked up? What good will that do? I have had numerous BPDs tell me the same thing. If this seems to be a common occurrence with us, we need to figure out a way to solve this problem, not lock it up and throw away the key.

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One thought on “Feel like you have to hide? Me too.

  1. I agree. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one but at the same time it doesn’t help with “letting it all out”. I don’t want to get locked up for admitting I think about the “s” word. It’s easier for a BPD to stay sane out here than in there!

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