The thought just popped into my head and I started tearing up.
I am a pretty sociable person. I find it easy to make friends when I’m trying to. I’m pretty funny, I like good music and food, I’m pretty intelligent. I’m not trying to sound like a narcissist, I’m just explaining to you that I’m alright.
Why is it so hard for me to have healthy relationships? They may start out normal enough, whatever that is, and then they slowly move into the dangerous areas. Dangerous for me more than anyone else because I usually end up getting hurt. I would actually bet that nine times out of ten, I will get hurt. It may be by something they’ve said, something they’ve done, or they may leave. I can’t handle when people leave me. It doesn’t matter how close we are, it still hurts something awful.
I think one of my biggest issues lately is the whole attachment and obsession thing. I do it with anyone who I connect with in the smallest way. It’s not like I stalk them or anything, I just think we’re going to be friends when that may not be the case. I don’t mean acquaintances either, I mean BFFLs and all that. That’s not healthy for me because I ultimately end up pushing them away with my crazy smothering. I want to be with them all the time and that’s not plausible. I’ve already pushed two people out of my life by doing this but I continue to do it.
Then there’s the seething anger and abandonment I struggle with when they don’t answer my email, phone calls, texts, etc. I don’t let the logical part of my mind tell me that there could be a good reason they’re not able to answer me. The emotional part of me steps in and gets all hurt and angry. “They hate me already” or ” I’ve pushed them away”.
I also have an issue with older women. If they are caring, nurturing people in any way, I put them up on a pedestal and become obsessed with their company. I guess I am still looking for that emotional fulfillment I should have gotten from my mom but never did. My therapist’s have all filled this for me in some way and when I meet anyone who does the same in real life, I struggle with it.
It’s not a comfortable feeling. I have to practice a lot of self-control, which is something I’m not good at. I want to call them whenever I don’t feel alright. I want to hug them and be close to them and this isn’t possible. Sometimes I honestly think about becoming a recluse but know that deep down, that not possible for me to do. I need people in my life because I see being alone as being lonely. I can’t take being lonely.