I want healthy, “normal” relationships. Why can’t I?

The thought just popped into my head and I started tearing up.

I am a pretty sociable person. I find it easy to make friends when I’m trying to. I’m pretty funny, I like good music and food, I’m pretty intelligent. I’m not trying to sound like a narcissist, I’m just explaining to you that I’m alright.

Why is it so hard for me to have healthy relationships? They may start out normal enough, whatever that is, and then they slowly move into the dangerous areas. Dangerous for me more than anyone else because I usually end up getting hurt. I would actually bet that nine times out of ten, I will get hurt. It may be by something they’ve said, something they’ve done, or they may leave. I can’t handle when people leave me. It doesn’t matter how close we are, it still hurts something awful.

I think one of my biggest issues lately is the whole attachment and obsession thing. I do it with anyone who I connect with in the smallest way. It’s not like I stalk them or anything, I just think we’re going to be friends when that may not be the case. I don’t mean acquaintances either, I mean BFFLs and all that. That’s not healthy for me because I ultimately end up pushing them away with my crazy smothering. I want to be with them all the time and that’s not plausible. I’ve already pushed two people out of my life by doing this but I continue to do it.

Then there’s the seething anger and abandonment I struggle with when they don’t answer my email, phone calls, texts, etc. I don’t let the logical part of my mind tell me that there could be a good reason they’re not able to answer me. The emotional part of me steps in and gets all hurt and angry. “They hate me already” or ” I’ve pushed them away”.

I also have an issue with older women. If they are caring, nurturing people in any way, I put them up on a pedestal and become obsessed with their company. I guess I am still looking for that emotional fulfillment I should have gotten from my mom but never did. My therapist’s have all filled this for me in some way and when I meet anyone who does the same in real life, I struggle with it.

It’s not a comfortable feeling. I have to practice a lot of self-control, which is something I’m not good at. I want to call them whenever I don’t feel alright. I want to hug them and be close to them and this isn’t possible. Sometimes I honestly think about becoming a recluse but know that deep down, that not possible for me to do. I need people in my life because I see being alone as being lonely. I can’t take being lonely.


5 thoughts on “I want healthy, “normal” relationships. Why can’t I?

  1. I used to do this a lot to. I couldn’t hold a simple relationship, with friends it was easier cause I wouldn’t get that close but I’d incessantly need to talk to some people or have them text back and if they didn’t I got really really anxious. It got better when I had more supportive friends and more people that understood what I was going through. Normally if the person is healthy and good for you then if you explain what’s happening sometimes they can help and be more understanding. Avoid people who get really mad at you asking tons of questions and texting them a lot, and try to find more supportive people.

  2. I think this is completely normal for us, Tiffany. I’m the same way. Because our mothers never got their needs met, they can’t give us what we need. They don’t have it because they never got it themselves. So we have to get what we can from other people, and, most important, give it to ourselves.

  3. Hm I have the same problem and I have an awesome mom, could it possibly affect every person with a parent who wasn’t there emotionally? I always have troubles with guys more than girls though

    • Yes. I had both an absent mom as well as dad. I have daddy issues as well as mommy issues. They affect me in different ways though. With women, I latch onto them because I need that connection. With men, I have trust issues.

  4. Ugh. Totally get the therapist obsession, and it torments me endlessly. It does indeed seem to happen with a very particular category of people- older, nurturing people- think it is a mothering thing but can’t understand why in relation to my more-than-ok childhood. Mine is quite contained/specific to people in ‘caring’ roles so I can manage friendships ok, but it must be very hard to have it spill over into all relationships- I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.

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