Journal entry (date unknown)

(This one is written on 4 individual Hello Kitty notepad sheets that I stapled into my journal.)

I haven’t felt this hopeless and suicidal in my life before. Whenever I think about things that are wrong with my life my heart aches. I get butterflies in my stomach. I just feel like sometimes life isn’t worth living. If it wasn’t for Belle (my cat), I probably would have done something a long time ago. I don’t know what. Sometimes my mind wanders to Dr. Hughes and I almost start to cry. Even though I know that she wasn’t right for me. I don’t know why I got so attached to her so quickly. She didn’t really help me all that much. I basically was paying someone to listen to me bitch about my problems but I wasn’t getting any help. But my heart still aches whenever I think of not seeing her. I am thoroughly excited to see Trish and believe she will  help me. I guess I really do have “attachment” issues. Whatever that means. I’ve never thought so intently and carefully about how I would kill myself until recently. That scares me more than anything. The fact that not only am I now thinking it but it’s gotten so bad I’ve decided my preferred method. No slit wrists for me because I can’t take pain. Most likely overdose on pills. The Marilyn Monroe way out. Except I won’t be remembered by millions. Oh well.


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