Journal entry (date unknown 2007)

I’ve been staying up until at least 5 or 6 in the morning everyday.  Even when I have to go to work. I try to clear my head of all the shit that’s stressing me out and I can’t. I desperately need to see Trish. I called last Friday and I got no call back.  Of course the first thing I think of is that she doesn’t want to see me anymore. Then I start brainstorming like I always do and start thinking that 1. She never got the message somehow. or 2. She forgot. or 3. She was told not to by my mom. Either way I’m hurt.

I haven’t eaten a proper meal today. I got up around 5:30pm. I have eaten chips and Oreos all day. I’m not happy at my current weight. I have no money for food.  I don’t get paid until Friday. It’s 5:30am. I have to catch the stupid bus at 9:58am to be to work by 11am. How much fucking sense does that make?

I want my own place so much. I don’t need anything fancy. Just me and the cat. She desperately needs more room and so do I.  I want to be able to pay my bills and live on my own.  Why am I destined to fuck up? Why am I constantly paying for past fuck ups over and over? Okay already! I get it! I’ve screwed up! I think about it all the time. Can I please be happy for a little while? I haven’t done anything so bad. Have I?

I’m deeply saddened that my brother doesn’t seem to give a shit about me. We used to be so close.

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