Journal entry February 13, 2008

My head feels tired but I’m unable to sleep. I researched some new info about BPD tonight. I’m pretty sure Trish was right. If it’s definitely not just depression/anxiety I have (alone) then my next guess would have to be BPD. I pretty much fit all of the symptoms described. I’m very interested in pursuing this specific line of treatment I saw. I really miss my sessions with Trish. I hope I get $ for my birthday so I can pay her and Dr. Kisnad.  I’m going to possibly apply for Medicaid. I have no insurance and I really need to see a Dr. I’ve been trying for some insight into my mental status and my emotions. I mean I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person, felt sorry for myself, liked when others pitied me, etc.  I’m wondering how much of this is just who I am or how much is something I learned or part of some mental illness. It’s probably all 3. I’ve been in this weird “analyze everything, processing my surroundings, ponder my future” type mood. I can’t make a decision what to do with my life. There are so many things I feel strongly about in my life: photography, activism, other cultures, music, etc. I don’t know where to start. I feel like I can’t depend on my mom to help me because she’s always so busy and anytime I mention anything about it I know I’m gonna get the “vocational school” lecture.  I don’t want to go to a vocational school unless I have absolutely no choice.  I thought I wanted to be a therapist but now that I know how much schooling that requires, I pretty much changed my mind. Does that mean something about me? I know I’m lazy but….. is it common for students to decide against a career because of the length of schooling? I’m getting tired now that I have less than 3 hours to sleep. I do hope this job is legit and I can do it properly. If not I might lose it. I’ve got no food, no gas, and no money.

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