There are about five mental hospitals in this city. One of them, the state run one, I have no desire to visit. I’ve been to one twice and the others I’ve only passed by. I pass by the one I’ve stayed at everyday. It’s very triggering for me. I even have visions of what I could do in there to be admitted. I see myself throwing lamps, chairs and tables. I see myself being belligerent and shouting at people. Basically, I feel I would act out every stereotypical scene from movies with mental hospital scenes. I yearn so much to be in these places, it scares me if I will become a habitual inpatient.
They are just thoughts and feelings now but how long until they become impulsion turned to reality? I realize the reasons why I want to be inpatient. I feel safe when I’m there. I am able to escape my stressed, hurtful life and be somewhere where I don’t have to deal with it all. I am also receiving attention, nurturing attention from people almost all the time. I also feel secure because I am somewhere where people are telling me what to do and when to do it. I don’t feel like I have room to make errors and follow through with my unhealthy impulsions.
This feeling I have is one major reason why I cannot watch “Girl, Interrupted” and others like it. The feeling is so strong, all of the time.