I’m having a huge issue with expressing my emotions. I know this sounds like the opposite of what you would expect from a BPD individual, but, it’s truth. I’m so used to suppressing my emotions, I can no longer express them when I am in an environment that supports it. I never had a problem crying in therapy before. I know it’s not because I feel uncomfortable with my therapist. In fact, one of the reasons may be because I am too comfortable with her. I am dependent on her and therefore am scared to lose her. Even though she has said several times now that she’s not going anywhere, I find it very hard to trust her. She hasn’t demonstrated a reason for me to doubt her; it’s just so ingrained in my personality and way of thinking now, I do it with everyone. I pretty much feel like everyone can and will leave me, at any moment. I can’t say exactly where this fear of abandonment comes from. I wasn’t left by either of my parents, that I can remember. Sure, my mom wasn’t around too often because she was working and my dad was almost a ghost. No one actually up and left me though. Maybe I’ve suppressed that memory as well? Maybe there’s something there I’ve buried deep, so I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. The problem is, I still do feel this pain.
I’ve been given the task to express my anger at least 10 minutes a day, every day. Punch a pillow, scream cuss words at inanimate objects, break plates (cheap ones), etc. Anything to get this ball of anger and frustration in my stomach, out! It’s literally eating a hole in my stomach. I’ve not been told that this is an ulcer but I swear it’s only a matter of time. My therapist is trying so hard to get me to be happy with myself and to be self-sustaining. I really do want it to happen. I am trying really hard. I am very scared it won’t happen though. Then what?
I can’t cry, I can’t rage; all I can do is become sicker and sicker.