Express yourself

I’m having a huge issue with expressing my emotions. I know this sounds like the opposite of what you would expect from a BPD individual, but, it’s truth. I’m so used to suppressing my emotions, I can no longer express them when I am in an environment that supports it. I never had a problem crying in therapy before. I know it’s not because I feel uncomfortable with my therapist. In fact, one of the reasons may be because I am too comfortable with her. I am dependent on her and therefore am scared to lose her. Even though she has said several times now that she’s not going anywhere, I find it very hard to trust her. She hasn’t demonstrated a reason for me to doubt her; it’s just so ingrained in my personality and way of thinking now, I do it with everyone. I pretty much feel like everyone can and will leave me, at any moment. I can’t say exactly where this fear of abandonment comes from. I wasn’t left by either of my parents, that I can remember. Sure, my mom wasn’t around too often because she was working and my dad was almost a ghost. No one actually up and left me though. Maybe I’ve suppressed that memory as well? Maybe there’s something there I’ve buried deep, so I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. The problem is, I still do feel this pain.

I’ve been given the task to express my anger at least 10 minutes a day, every day. Punch a pillow, scream cuss words at inanimate objects, break plates (cheap ones), etc. Anything to get this ball of anger and frustration in my stomach, out! It’s literally eating a hole in my stomach. I’ve not been told that this is an ulcer but I swear it’s only a matter of time. My therapist is trying so hard to get me to be happy with myself and to be self-sustaining. I really do want it to happen. I am trying really hard. I am very scared it won’t happen though. Then what?

I can’t cry, I can’t rage; all I can do is become sicker and sicker.

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One thought on “Express yourself

  1. I have a hard time expressing my emotions as well. I’m with you on that. You ca do this. Your only option is NOT to become sicker and sicker. YOU CAN KICK THIS. it will be painful and hard and long but you can do it

    take care
    xoxo
    -Lisa

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