suicide is not an option anymore

i told my therapist when i first started seeing her my methods and tools for my eventual suicide. she asked what i had in the house that i was planning on using. i told her i had a bottle of anti-depressants stashed somewhere. i also said that if that didn’t work, i’d swallow a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka like Susanna Kaysen in Girl, Interrupted.

she smiled and said to me, “that’s not going to work. it may make you sick but it certainly will not kill you.”

that was the end of that plan. not having one anymore is kind of refreshing. i haven’t the guts to slit my wrists or jump off of any buildings. i was honestly only interested in overdosing. it seemed the least painful method. i learned that is not always the case personally in the past, twice. i tried to overdose on two seperate occasions on different prescription meds i was on. i don’t know how many i took or what exactly, i just know i was shoving 3-4 pills at a time in my mouth as i was driving home. the only thing that happened what i ended up sleeping for 2 days and got sick, a lot. i felt like a junkie and no one even noticed. no one asked me why i was sick or why i looked like death.

it’s not worth it. it’s not worth the pain you’re causing yourself. it’s not worth the pain you’re going to cause those around you. we all think at some point that no one would miss us. we all wonder why we bother. you have to find the little things that get you through the day. you have to grasp for whatever will save you.

remember that BPD is all about the moment. you feel horrible in that moment but it eventually passes. it always does. the trick is finding ways to survive until it does.

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