i was actually having a decent day…

and it started out pretty damn decent too.

i woke up around 9:30, had some cereal, and watched “What about Bob?”. Good morning.

i woke up the boyfriend, gave him some cereal and we watched Spongebob. still good morning. we fooled around, wrestled, had sex, and then went to Subway. i got a couple calls from people interested in my group; good morning/early afternoon.

i went to therapy at 2:30, 30 minutes early, and say out in the parking lot for about 15 minutes. did some reading and then went inside to wait. had an okay therapy session; still would have been able to recover my afternoon.

i go outside to my car and the motherfuckingcuntwhorebitch wouldn’t start. i fucking melted onto the floorboard. i cried and sobbed, threw my keys at the dash, and just snotted all over myself. i wanted to disappear. i wanted to run inside to my therapist and scream at her “is this what you want to see? is this crying and emotional outpouring what you want to see?!” but i managed to maintain enough self-control to call my boyfriend. he asked why i was crying, of course, and i told him i just needed him ASAP.

I went back inside the center, called AAA, and still managed to compose myself. i then went into the bathroom and sat down in the stall. i proceeded to lose it, again. i then decided i would go to my therapist’s office down the hall. i got there and the door was closed. i played it off like i was looking outside so if she opened the door, there wouldn’t be any suspicion or weird questions. i went outside any my boyfriend was there. i sat in his car and started crying again.

i still never really unleashed the full pent up emotion that was trying so hard to get out. i block it and don’t know how to unblock it. it’s so frustrating and exhausting.

i ended up calling my therapist about 10 times and she didn’t answer them. i left her a voicemail that will probably sound stupid.

i feel like shit. emotionally and physically, i’m falling apart. at least i got some much needed money in the mail tonight. that’s one less thing i can cross off my shit list.

i feel like i’m always so strong for everyone else but myself. i offer advice, i console perfect strangers, and i never get the same in return. i know i could come talk to you guys but it’s true what they say, the simple “it’ll be okay” and “i’m here for ya” just doesn’t seem to work much anymore. i need someone to take over this ship. i don’t like being an adult anymore. i’m tired.


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