Letter to my therapist, and everyone else.

You say you won’t leave me but why should I believe you, or anyone else for that matter? I was left by my father before I could even say or do anything wrong. My mere existence was enough to break up a marriage. Don’t think I don’t obsess over that all the time. What would have been had I not been born? Would they still be together and happy? Would my dad be fitter, emotionally and physically? Would my mom be happier?

I know she based her decision to leave on what was best for her and her child. I don’t blame her anymore. I blame him for not trying hard enough. Why couldn’t he have tried for me? I’m his flesh and blood. I’m his hair, eyes, and nose. Wasn’t I worth it?

So excuse me if I have trust and dependency issues. Excuse me if I have “daddy issues”.

I want to trust you more than anyone. I want to believe that no matter what I say or do, you’ll be there. Then I see the look in your eyes and hear the disappointment in your voice when I fuck up. I feel like the loneliness will only continue and I can’t bear any of this anymore.

I truly want to believe you’ll be there when I need you most but that’s humanly impossible. How on Earth can you be there all of the time? How would you live? I can’t ask that of you, but then again I can.

I need to smother someone with my love and I need it in return. It’ll never happen and that saddens me more than anything.

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