I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong

I’ve become a fighter. I decided sometime ago that I would not let my emotions and thoughts conquer me. I would not allow mental illness to end my life before I had a chance to live it. I’ve been busting my ass to find help and I’m finally starting to get it. The issue I’m having is that I’m exhausted. I feel like I can no longer fight the good fight. I feel utterly alone and conflicted all the time. I feel like it’s time to crumble and let others pick up the pieces. The only problem with that theory is that I don’t have anyone to do that.

I truly do love my therapist. I know my best friend wants to help. I just can’t seem to shake this loneliness and helpless/hopelessness. This is the most uncomfortable I have been in a long time and I can’t handle it. I want to go inpatient for the rest of my life. I want people to take care of me and make all of my decisions for me. I don’t want to be allowed to be alone with my mind. It’s trying to kill me, I just know it.

I know that if I still had any pills in this house, I would be calling 911. I have burned the hell out of my arm and I just don’t care anymore. That’s the problem, I just don’t care.

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2 thoughts on “I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong

  1. I understand what you are saying! I have been to the depths to depression etc you are now. I would like to say I will never be at that place again, but I don’t know if that is true. It brings be comfort actually to know that someone else at times longs for the comfort of in patient treatment. Like it you, I didn’t have anyone that would pick up the pieces if I fell apart. I had a great therapist (who I have now lost, and I haven’t reached a point of trust with my new one), but I didn’t have any friends. I knew lots of great people, but they didn’t know anything was “wrong” with me. I got to the point in depression I couldn’t face going to the store to buy food. I would drive to the store and then just drive home. I would run out of food and would long for someone to take care of me, but I didn’t have that.

    The way I made it through was to live min to min and just do the best that I could. Life has gotten better, even with the loss of my therapist and the struggle to get to know my new one life is better. I can’t tell you how long it will take, but I know that life will get better for you. I know for me being alive “hurt.” I felt violated by my own mind everyday, and I was totally alone and no one could understand. Life got better, it just took time.

    I can’t tell you not to burn, I have scars on my arms from burning myself and I still cut when life gets really tough. I know my SI has saved my life at times. I have PTSD and it shuts up the flashbacks if I cut. SI, is a tool I have used. I am ashamed of it, but until I find a way of coping that will actually help me like cutting does I have to use it. Maybe that makes me crazy, but that is ok.

    I am glad you have a blog! I am glad that at least one other person in this world seems to feel the same way I once did. Maybe I am not as different as I once thought I was.

  2. i know about the emptyness quite a bit and i know the bit you dont care i did have that attitude a while ago 38 overdoses later im still alive you name it ive tryed it probably the most evill was the bleech insuline paracetamol ropes and where did it get me no where hounest no where or my heart has stoped 3 times as well and resus 18 i ended up been sectioned yer first time was fun better than been in theme park 2nd and 3rd time wernt as mutch fun because i wanted freedum dont let your head play with you i have learnt the hard way belive me find something that will ocupie your mind and it will ease

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