I’ve become a fighter. I decided sometime ago that I would not let my emotions and thoughts conquer me. I would not allow mental illness to end my life before I had a chance to live it. I’ve been busting my ass to find help and I’m finally starting to get it. The issue I’m having is that I’m exhausted. I feel like I can no longer fight the good fight. I feel utterly alone and conflicted all the time. I feel like it’s time to crumble and let others pick up the pieces. The only problem with that theory is that I don’t have anyone to do that.
I truly do love my therapist. I know my best friend wants to help. I just can’t seem to shake this loneliness and helpless/hopelessness. This is the most uncomfortable I have been in a long time and I can’t handle it. I want to go inpatient for the rest of my life. I want people to take care of me and make all of my decisions for me. I don’t want to be allowed to be alone with my mind. It’s trying to kill me, I just know it.
I know that if I still had any pills in this house, I would be calling 911. I have burned the hell out of my arm and I just don’t care anymore. That’s the problem, I just don’t care.