Journal Entry Inpatient – January 7, late afternoon

Why do I burn? What a seemingly silly question with no real logical answer. Why do you breathe? Why do you cook, clean, eat?

I burn to feel something, even if that something is pain. Burning isn’t only a physical relief; emotionally it causes a rush of being centered and then calm. Later, after I’ve become “sane” again, it causes guilt, remorse, regret, and anticipation for the beauty of a possible scar. Why?

Why do those who self that self harm find their scars beautiful and ugly at the same time? Why does this illogical feeling cause us to want to inflict more and more destruction on our body? Why do we see others scars and become jealous? This jealousy only further provides fuel for the fire that drives us to harm.

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