Journal Entry Inpatient – January 8

I’ve been up since early morning vitals. The sleep meds are not working. I was manic last night before bed and the Ativan did nothing to help. I have to beg and plead with the doctor today for a higher dosage or possibly Klonopin. I also need something for sleep. It’s just not helping. I ended up harming myself last night. I think it was a combination of things. I don’t want to be released yet and I was able to find a staple to do it with. The temptation was too much. I even asked for a paperclip and was denied. I told nurse E about it and showed her. I could tell she wanted to send me to solitary but she didn’t. She asked me to please let her know if I feel like doing it again.

There was an argument this morning at breakfast. Some dick with anger issues was talking down and arguing with one of the nurses and it pissed me off. I asked him ” Is it really that important?!” and he started going off on me. Then one of the other patients started telling him to chill out and it escalated until he was finally escorted away. Before they took him away, he mentioned something about me being as “big as a house” and I was triggered. I went to my room and was crying while anxiously shaking my leg and tapping my water bottle. I wonder if you can have PTSD from yelling or arguing? If so, I certainly do.

I feel so low this morning and I fear without the addition of an anti-depressant, I will continue to feel low. I like nurse E. She’s nice and I trust her. She’s got a motherly thing going on.

My arm hurts. I’m hungry. I almost started crying because they messed my breakfast up again.

I like “A” (new room mate), she’s nice. She doesn’t act crazy. She’s got a good sense of humor.

I just handed the staple to nurse E. Sure feel better. Anytime I’m triggered now, I’m going to her.

I think I have latched onto nurse E. This isn’t surprising at all. The inner child in me is just soaking up all this attention. The schedule, the rules, all of it is perfect. This is paradise for me and it shouldn’t be. Ativan, Prozac, etc. etc. Keep me in check. Keep me alive. Keep me in debt.

My arm, it’s so beautiful and twisted. I can show it freely here. I can be a freak. I can be openly sick.

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