Journal Entry Inpatient – January (unknown)

Ever since I was a child, I’ve never felt secure or like I had a “home sweet home”. I feel safe at the hospital.

I may freak out if they don’t get me that private room. I cannot sleep another night with “K”. The snoring is so annoying. It agitates the shit out of me.

I feel so anti-social here. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to be in a quiet, peaceful area and that doesn’t exist here. There’s a really cheery, loud woman here with a Kristin Chenowith voice. Outside of this mood, I’d probably have fun with her but inside, she’s driving me bonkers. She’s too cheery.

I keep sitting, facing the windows. It’s so peaceful to watch the water and birds.

The people I actually want to be physically closer to may never do so. I try to hug on Chris and I yearn for is for him to put his arm around me. When my mom tries to hug me, I cringe. I feel no love. It makes me feel guilty. I think she can tell. When others hug me, it feels contrived and so fake. Why am I so closed off when all I yearn for is for more warmth and affection?

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