I’d like to take a minute.

I’ve been through hell since December. I’m in the grips of a horrible depressive episode that just won’t lift and I’m trying everything I know; it’s not helping.

Hospitalization keeps me safe, but that’s about it. The hospitals here just don’t make the cut when it comes to any decent outpatient resources or recovery planning. Once you’re released, that’s all she wrote. Especially for those of us that have no insurance or government assistance.

I’ve been trying meds and therapy and I went to the first support group in years tonight. I feel like I’m trying so hard and it’s just pushing back even harder. I haven’t harmed in two weeks and don’t really feel the urge, positive thing number one. I’ve also become so disillusioned with the hospitals here, after being Baker Acted and sent to a shithole last week, that I no longer crave them as much.I guess that’s another positive thing.

I feel like my level of apathy has reached a high that I will never come down from. It’s hard to get better when you no longer care about getting better. Still, something inside keeps me going, everyday. What that may be, I don’t know. Hope? Maybe. I just feel stuck and want to feel unstuck, now.

I invest so much into helping others but find it so difficult to follow my own advice. I hate my own company and yet people still seem to want to be with me. I just don’t get how this works. I feel drained and so empty; like a shell.


One thought on “I’d like to take a minute.

  1. A little bit like me i am the my own worst patient i know how to fix the problem but doing it is the hard bit.I so far have been good with hospitals etc quite an achivment since august i have been good had three really bad days last week but coped just.sometimes we have to look at our inner selves and want to get for ourselves.I have had to do this and its hard very tuff near inposible but can be done.With my diagnosis i see very few people who have fully recoverd so its kinda scary.Why get better when you are going to go threw what you have just got threw just to take it all again at a latter stage well i suppose the anser to that is becuase in that light we will enjoy just a tiny bit of it and the more tiny bits we start enjoying the better life becomes slowly but shurely keep going youll get there.

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