just because I act like a three year old that wants to be left alone doesn’t mean that’s what you should do.

I don’t actually want to be left alone. I want you to comfort me and ask me what you can do. I want to be coddled. I want my tears wiped from my face. I want a hug. I want to be told that it will all be okay tomorrow. I want to be told I’m loved.

Why? Because I never got it when I needed it from the two people I needed to get it from the most, my parents. Dad was never around and when I saw him, he was negative and distant. Mom was working, constantly. Either at a job or at home, trying to keep the household running smoothly. Emotional comfort and validation wasn’t top priority to anyone but me and I was too damned young to know that I was going to have to get it elsewhere. Those two people I wanted it from so badly, and still do, weren’t going to be giving it to me like I needed it and they never would.

Do I give up? No. I still, foolishly, think they will break down and finally realize that they’ve wronged me. They’ll magically see the error of their ways and vow to make it up to me. Realistic? Hell no. I still have hope but it’s dwindling, fast.

I’m sorry I end up in bed, curled up in the fetal position, with tears in the corners of my eyes. I’m sorry that I have a hair trigger temper and get frustrated when I can’t/won’t express myself in a healthy way. I’m sorry I bottle it up until I hurt myself, to avoid hurting you. I’m sorry for it all. Wait, who wronged who?

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7 thoughts on “just because I act like a three year old that wants to be left alone doesn’t mean that’s what you should do.

  1. That makes so much sense to me. And it’s weird how we keep hoping our parents will change… and I starting to realise that they never will. And that is heartbreaking.

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