I had to have my boyfriend come with me today. It wasn’t for us to have couples counseling, it was because I was too terrified to go by myself.
I discussed the end of my “friendship” with my friend of over 10 years that occurred yesterday. (See previous posts and you’ll somewhat get the picture) My therapist asked me is J was anything like my mom. When I started to think about it, she does share some traits that are similar to my mom. She said that that was probably another reason why it was such a kick in the gut yesterday to say goodbye even though I’ve known for sometime now that it’s been over and needed to be. I think I’m finally over J and her bullshit. Yesterday was rough and I wanted to punish myself for it all but I managed to keep control of my impulses.
I still have issue with feeling proud of myself for not burning or swallowing a bunch of pills. The fact that those two “options” even popped into my head seems like a failure to me. I want to get to where I don’t even think of it.
We briefly discussed my OCD. Now, this is something that has been bothering me for quite some time but with everything else in my life (my depression and suicidal ideation), we haven’t had time to address it. My anxiety is getting worse and therefore my OCD is getting worse. I’m unable to leave the house alone and when I do leave, I still have a problem. I almost had a panic attack the other day during our yard sale just because I didn’t like how many people walked up at once.
We’re going to start exposure therapy next week. She wants me to start a list of all of my OCD behaviors and any other anxiety inducing situations and bring it in on Monday. We’ll then put them in order of severity and work through them, starting at the bottom. I started crying when she recommended this. I started to shake too. It terrifies me to think of having to expose myself to things that make me uber-nervous and anxious.
It was a great session. I haven’t had a productive one like this in a while. I see my ARNP on Thursday and hopefully can adjust some of my meds.
Yay adventures in maintaining some form of sanity and functionality!