Agitation. It’s ugly.
I feel other people’s agitation and anger, it rubs off on me.
Yelling at other drivers. Getting annoyed because you turned down the wrong street. Not moving out of the way, right away, when I need you to. The waiting room is too cold. I have to repeat myself to you. You almost hit another car and mumble that you’re sick of driving.
I internalize all of this, whip it around inside, and turn it into my problem. I become an angry, agitated, fucked up beast-woman. I take it out on myself and maybe the cats. I look at myself in a new way. My reflection is disgusting. I want to crawl out of myself and cease to exist. I feel like a burden, like everyone would be better off if I weren’t around.
What started off as a good day quickly, and surprisingly, turned into a fight to stay alive. When I review the moments that could have caused this strong emotional reaction, it all seems so trite and silly.
My mind is in control but I am not in control of my mind.