I may take it upon myself, sometimes, to jump automatically to guilt but sometimes it is the situation. Why do I always have to be the one that’s made to feel guilty, regardless of whether something is my fault or not? I feel my heart in my stomach and I hold my tears back, wishing you’d apologize. My guilt manifests into anger and then depression. I want to disappear for awhile. I want to be invisible and be able to scream, break things, hurt myself, and then resume normal programming.
It’s gotten to where no one apologizes anymore. It’s ignored and it ends up festering in my stomach. I try to move on and forget it all but it’s still there, deep down. I can’t move on, no matter how hard I try. It may seem like I’ve forgiven but I’ve definitely not forgotten.
I’m told to be more open and to talk about it, but I can’t. When I do, the wave of emotions is so strong, it knocks me on my ass. I hold back the tears, swallow the lump in my throat, and pretend my cheeks aren’t flush. I act like it’s all okay but truly, it’s not.
When you talk to me like I’m an idiot, a child, or like I’m a burden, it really kills a small piece of me. She spoke to me like that, all the damn time. I have no guts, no voice, because she silenced me. A person can only bottle up so much before they fucking explode. Knowing me, I won’t be exploding on anyone but myself.