I thought everything would be perfect. I was wrong.

I told myself that as soon as I left my mom’s, as soon as I removed myself from that toxic environment, everything was going to be perfect.

I would finally be on my own. I was an adult now and was free of her own virus. I was to be financially stable with my boyfriend, my cats, a new bed, and kitsch from IKEA. It seemed like paradise to me at the time but my mind had other plans.

It didn’t take long for this ‘thing’ inside to find other reasons to be miserable. Some of them even remained carefully hidden, from me and everyone around me. I thought that at this point, I’d be so happy. I thought I had finally managed to carve out a sane chunk of my brain and wouldn’t be bothered by those other pieces.

I feel like I’ve not made any progress. The self deprecation, consistent self harm, and thoughts of death have persisted. They may even be stronger this round.

Now that I’m jailed in my ‘dream’ home, I’m stuck with my thoughts all the time. I see one person for days at a time and breathe in manufactured air. I can no longer afford this fantasy life anymore. Something must change. I fear the worse.

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4 thoughts on “I thought everything would be perfect. I was wrong.

  1. I’m nobody (to you). I follow your blog for no reason that I can remember — I don’t have BPD or at least am not taking any medication for anything other than high blood pressure. I feel sometimes like I get depressed, but I mostly feel that it comes from a sense of boredom. I will start fights with my husband because I know I’m bored. Sometimes they start out as me being silly and playful but then I really get mad (I make myself mad pretending to be mad; how crazy is that?). I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t know why you should care at all about me. You certainly didn’t ask me to write you. Why do people feel the need to connect with other people? I’m sure your life will be no different after reading this. I’m pretty sure my life will be no different after sending this. Why, then, am I bothering?

    Here’s something interesting. I’ve recently discovered that there is no god. Now I spend all my time (while I should be working) trolling the Y!A (Yahoo! Answers) Religion and spirituality section. I poke fun at religion (which I was intimately acquainted with for 19 years of my life). My main goal is comedy, though. I don’t think I was every very passionate about much, certainly not religion. I taught Sunday school. My life is different now. I derive pleasure from wasting my time and putting down religion. Not sure how much of a life that is.

    Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let you know that there is somebody listening to you. Somebody who may not be in the same situation as you are, but somebody none the less. Another human who is living on this shit planet at the same time that you are. I want a better life, too. I suppose I’m just too lazy to do anything about it.

    -Vicky

  2. Keep breathing, hun. Remember, it’s probably better than going back to living with your mom. There’s always a “it could be worse” situation. Let your cats love you.

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