My feelings are turning against me. What I thought I had under control is truly out of control. My brain is waging a war against me and I’m not prepared.
All of my coping skills that have worked in the past are nothing to me now. I don’t feel comfortable or safe to express myself to anyone, including my therapist. I have no outlet for this churning ball of emotional energy in my chest. It needs release before I explode and I don’t know what to do.
My self loathing is at an all time high while my self esteem is at it’s lowest. I was so adamant about a successful treatment plan but now I could give a shit. When you reach that point of apathy, it’s very difficult to find a reason to crawl out of bed each day, let alone take medications and go to therapy. It feels like blow after blow is bringing me closer and closer to hospitalization or death. After my last experience in the hospital from hell, I am very hesitant to ask for help.
I feel so lost right now and I don’t know where to turn for help. I am in the deep end without a life saver and I’ve been swimming for years. I’m getting tired now, please come save me.