June 14th is one year…

My one year anniversary is coming up. No, not with my boyfriend or a job. With my therapist. (Us crazy people tend to celebrate these landmarks, don’t hate.)

The questions I keep asking myself, “Do I feel like she’s helped me? Do I benefit from seeing her?” Truthfully, I’m torn. While I can’t see myself without her in my life, I realize that may only be because I can’t stand to be alone or “abandoned”. I’ve had therapists in the past that were horrible but when it came time to leave them, I found it very difficult.

The fact that I have such limited resources and that I like her a lot make it very difficult for me to decide. I also realize that she’s only in the beginning of getting her hours towards licensing and is not a full-fledged therapist, yet. Does that make her any less able to help me? I’m not sure. I think she does an awesome job of supporting me and giving me somewhere I can safely vent. I feel like I’m talking to a smarter, wiser, more together friend. But, shouldn’t her knowledge of my particular disorders be a little more helpful?

I know why I do the things I do and say the things I say, but I need help learning how to use skills and I’m not sure she knows those skills or how to teach them to me. I feel like she’s always one session away from saying that she’s had enough and wants to refer my crazy ass to someone more equipped. If that were to happen, I’d probably flip my shit. I feel so conflicted and I don’t know what to do.

I spoke to a LMHC at the conference on Friday and she told me I needed to bring up transference in session. If she’s a good therapist, we’ll work it out. If not, then I do need to go elsewhere. The problem is, where? She’s all I can afford and I can barely afford her. Ugh.

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