A new, and somewhat troubling, symptom I’m having is a need and desire to retreat to uncomfortable small enclosures when triggered. I want to bring my tweezers, lighter, journal, and music into my closet, or the bathtub, or between the wall and my bed. I want to pull my legs up to my body as tight as I can and then I want to disappear. I’ve never experienced this desire before and it’s starting to worry me. While the action is not dangerous, it makes me feel psychotic. I feel like I’m quite close to being locked up because I refuse to speak and won’t stop rocking back and forth.
In her book, Loud in the House of Myself, Stacy Pershall describes how she would retreat to her closet as a child. She would purposely position herself on top of her shoes so that she was uncomfortable and “suffering”. She would then take out all of her negative emotions and the hurtful things school mates said and write them on her body with marker.
What about this brings comfort? Does it help or hurt? I’d be interested in finding out how many others experience the urge to hide and squeeze themselves into tight spaces. Why do they do it? What do they feel afterward?
Does this feeling have anything to do with regression? Am I flashing back to childhood emotion? Is it because I want to hide so I can inflict pain and punishment on myself, in peace?