There’s a lot of back story here that’s kind of important but would take entirely too much time, so I won’t be including that. What I will say is that tonight was going swell and then took a nose dive into awful within minutes. It’s almost like a slow motion train wreck that you can feel and see and that you want to stop but just, don’t.
We were out at dinner, hanging out, carefree. While eating, the small, idiotic peckish (and childish) comments at each others started for some reason still unknown to me. I don’t even know who started them.
By the time we got to the car, we were getting meaner and more angsty with each other by the minute and I still can’t quite figure out why. Why have we been so mean to each other lately?
Basically, as we continued towards the house and things got more uncomfortable, the truth came out and I got teary eyed (dangerous while driving and being BPD). He asked me what being silent would accomplish and I said that whenever I spoke, I did nothing but make matters worse so why talk at all?!
Yeah, not a good “adult” conversation. Silence for the rest of the 30 minute drive home. I believe I went numb about 10 minutes after I made the above comment, which is also not safe to do while driving. All I could think about was how I needed to not be in the car with him, how I wanted to burn my arm, how I needed to die, how I wanted to be in the hospital, etc. Racing thoughts and then numbness.
I’m in my room now and he’s in his. We’re not talking to each other, again. It’s been like this almost every night for the past few weeks. I want to bring him to therapy with me but I don’t think I can because we’re supposed to be working on Schema therapy since I only have a limited amount of sessions left. I cannot work this out on my own and it won’t fix itself. I am so lost. I cannot lose him. He’s all I have.
Sorry this is so long.