Bad thoughts

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

I don’t know what to do. The one person I usually go to to talk to about these thoughts and feelings, I can’t! The reason being, the feelings and thoughts revolve around her! My therapist is the cause and center of my current dilemma and I’m at a loss as to what the fuck I’m supposed to do. My family is a dead end, my best friend tries but he just really can’t comprehend the way I need him to, and total strangers on the internet can only do so much. I feel like I’m losing my grip. I’m beginning to dissociate while driving. I’m having frequent crying spells. I’m thinking more and more about self harm. It’s like I’m about to relapse and we still have 7 more months of therapy left.

I’m trying to make myself hate her. I feel like if I can make myself mad at her, then at least it will hurt less than if I feel betrayed and let down by someone I still care for. She told me several times she’d never leave me and she’s doing just that. I thought she’d fight for me. I thought she’d devise a plan with me and we’d be trying our darnedest to fight the system and at least go out kicking and screaming. I feel so defeated. I feel like I just want to disappear.

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3 thoughts on “Bad thoughts

  1. i get it so much. and i’m sorry. my therapist cancelled this week and of course that day was the worst day ever where I couldn’t stop crying and just fucking NEEDED HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m sorry. i enjoy reading your blog. I stopped reading when you admitted yourself. I was worried. i’m back now, reading, worrying. take care of yourself!

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