I feel like a monster.

I feel like there’s this, monster inside of me that’s trying really hard to make me do bad things. It’s trying to make me hurt myself. It’s trying to make me not go to work. It’s trying to make me not do my homework and take too many pills or lay in bed all day. So far, it’s succeeded on several occasions and I’m finding it harder to tell this monster to fuck off. These past couple weeks have been brutal. I have been fighting and pushing and trying to hard to stave off this depressive episode, but it’s here and baby it’s strong. I feel like I’m wrapped safely, if you’d like to call it that, in it’s dark, dank, humid blanket of misery and crying and suicidal thoughts.

Texts to friends at all hours of the night. Sitting on the edge of the bed wondering whether or not tonight you’ll be sitting in the ER about to go inpatient. Wondering how you’ll explain to your job and to school that you’ll be missing several days, possibly a week, and you can’t really tell them why. Laying in bed and not bathing for three days. Bowls and plates piling up until you have nowhere left to put them and you end up tripping over them. Running out of laundry and deciding to hand wash a few pairs of underwear in the sink. The litter box stinks. The cats need some loving. Your house smells.

Yep, depression had made itself right at home. If you’re lucky enough to have a roommate, like me, it doesn’t get near this bad. The cats get fed, I get fed, etc. He even kicks my ass and makes me go to work and will even do my laundry from time to time. He even knows the appropriate times to force me to get out of bed and go lay on the couch.  Tonight he made me go, GASP, grocery shopping! It took half a Klonopin but I did it and it felt okay.

I’m trying so hard, I really am. This monster is just trying harder and I can feel the tug and pull. Everyone around me is tugging and pulling too. They are trying to keep me from sinking into the pit of my bed but I don’t know if it’s too late.

I keep getting these horrible visions in my head. I like to blame them on the monster because I really don’t have them any other time. I keep seeing myself committing violent acts against myself that I normally wouldn’t do otherwise. Slicing my wrists, hanging myself, jumping of bridges, etc. etc. The usual, except they’re all extremely vivid visualizations and extremely disturbing. My preferred “method” (we all have one, us suicidal people) is to OD, so all of these particularly violent ways are just not my style.  The issue I’m having with the visualizations the most is the extreme feeling of relief I get when I have them. It’s not shock or horror, it’s relief. I think that’s what scares me the most.

I was also riding in the car tonight and out of nowhere a thought occurred to me, a very disturbing one: I am going to die young. I will not live very long at all.  Again, I felt extreme peace and relief when I thought this, almost like weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I then realized that maybe that wasn’t normal. People aren’t supposed to feel that way when they think something like that. Shit, they aren’t supposed to think thoughts like that to begin with.

Well, we know I’m not “normal”, right?

I can’t be alone in this, can I? Has anyone else felt extreme relief or peace when thinking these types of thoughts?




7 thoughts on “I feel like a monster.

  1. I would have to say that you’re the norm in a sense that everyone has had similiar thoughts as yours at one point in time but doesn’t necessarily share them. Unfortunetly I don’t take peace in those thoughts anymore but for a long time I did struggled with them. It’s still a daily challenge to even do simple tasks or to not want to stay in bed all day so if anything I can relate and hope you can take comfort in the fact you’re not alone.

  2. I definitely feel relief and peace, almost a sense of comfort, when I have suicidal thoughts. Intellectually, I know they are not right or normal, but part of me welcomes them like old friends. I’ve known suicidal thoughts for 25 years, so in a way they ARE old friends. I wish I could help pull you out of this quicksand. Keep fighting, and hopefully the darkness will pass soon.

  3. Oh yes, I feel relieved all the time when I think about those kind of things. Sometimes(sadly) it’s my only comfort. When I was younger I used to think about all the ways I could die to make myself be calm and finally sleep. Hope you feel better soon..hugs.

  4. It always amazes me when I read another persons experiences with depression. I realise in a heartbeat that there experiences are far worse than mine.
    My lowest point this year was when I managed to get to around 8 weeks of laundry, I hadn’t been food shopping in about as long. I was just buying new clothes to wear to work and not really eating at all. My depression creeps up on me and I don’t even know when it hits me. I just fall back into this hole and for as long as it takes I can’t find a way out. Episodes can last for as long as a few months, or as little as a day. During that time I do get these ‘thoughts’ but I do just consider everyone that I would leave behind, so ‘No’ these thoughts don’t give me any peace. I am okay at the moment, but I know that I could end up in that bad place again pretty soon. I work daily to try and fight it.

  5. I most definitely have had these thoughts and the accompanying feelings of relief, which are more disturbing than the thoughts themselves, in their way. I can’t tell you what it meant to me to read this entry of yours. Of all of the issues I have, one of the hardest to try to explain to my doctor was this exact thing. I didn’t even know where to begin. It helps to know I’m not the only one, that these thoughts, while unhealthy, do not make me a singular freak of some sort. Thank you. Also, I know this was posted back in August. I hope you’ve been feeling better. Good luck!

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