I’m getting sick of pretending.
I’m tired of faking.
I’m so over this.
I’m not okay but I’m okay. I have my moments when I’m perfectly fine and I don’t feel that flutter of agitation or depression in the pit in of my stomach. Then there are moments, sometimes unexpected, where I feel like I’m falling apart and I was never sane to begin with. Those moments destroy any hope or logic I might have had before and it’s very tough to retrieve it.
Lately those moments have been occurring more frequently than I’d like. I lean on others for support when I can or I take a pill and sleep it off. But how long can I keep going on like this? I feel drained. I feel like this is merely a facade and is a countdown to an inevitable breakdown.
I don’t know what to do. My support system is crumbling. I won’t have my therapist on the sidelines and that scares the shit out of me. In fact, that’s part of the reason I feel so raw emotionally right now. I cannot cope with this inevitable abandonment. It’s coming, whether I like it or not.