sick of pretending

I’m getting sick of pretending.
I’m tired of faking.
I’m so over this.

I’m not okay but I’m okay. I have my moments when I’m perfectly fine and I don’t feel that flutter of agitation or depression in the pit in of my stomach. Then there are moments, sometimes unexpected, where I feel like I’m falling apart and I was never sane to begin with. Those moments destroy any hope or logic I might have had before and it’s very tough to retrieve it.

Lately those moments have been occurring more frequently than I’d like. I lean on others for support when I can or I take a pill and sleep it off. But how long can I keep going on like this? I feel drained. I feel like this is merely a facade and is a countdown to an inevitable breakdown.

I don’t know what to do. My support system is crumbling. I won’t have my therapist on the sidelines and that scares the shit out of me. In fact, that’s part of the reason I feel so raw emotionally right now. I cannot cope with this inevitable abandonment. It’s coming, whether I like it or not.

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4 thoughts on “sick of pretending

  1. I have personally found that travel is the best therapy.
    I believe in you, and I believe you can make it through this. When you come out on the other side you will be a stronger person.

  2. This is a quote I find helpful in very difficult times: “Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never–in nothing, great or small, large or petty–never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy” – Winston Churchill

    and here is another:

    “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelet

  3. Hello! I know this must be random or late or something, but I just wanted to give you some support. I hope that you can find your happiness. Remember that happiness is in fact a choice. If ever you feel lonely, or as if no one cares for you, please don’t forget that even though I’m probably far, far away from you, I care about you and I am hoping you will be able to recover from your sadness. I love you~

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