I don’t know how it feels to want to be alive.

I don’t know what it feels like to not have death as an option. Even when I’m considered stable, like I am now, I still think of it often. I haven’t burned myself in so long, my scars have faded and yet, I still think of suicide as a “get out of shitty life” free card. I stare at the giant 15o count bottle of pills and wonder if I’d make it though without throwing up first or passing out. Of course I’d have to eat all of my Vyvanse and Klonopin too. Lamictal won’t cut the mustard. Why is this still an obsession for me? Once it was there, in my brain, it’s like it planted it’s seed to stay. I keep hacking away at the soil around it but, nothing. Will I always struggle with suicidality? What an exhausting existence.


2 thoughts on “I don’t know how it feels to want to be alive.

  1. Hey,
    For me suicide (or thoughts of harming myself) are thoughts that come out of shere exhaustion. It is NOT easy for us to live with all of these symptoms acting alone and interacting with themsleves, taking us along for a ride for what seems like eternity. For me its about not feelign like I have the strength to keep going. Hopelessness and emptiness come to jjoin the party and it’s just bash of ‘WHY BOTHER”. Why bother keeping up the scherade, why bother trying to control our symptoms when we cannot control the triggers that we are exposed to?

    I feel that exploring your symptoms, and understand what is happening, how we can TRY to dim their strength and calm their effect on us is the only hope I have of getting past these feelings that dread som many of our lives.

    I JUST started a blog about just this thing. I’m starting to explore the different ways to recgonize, be aware, and learn about what is happening to me when I’m experiencing symptoms… I HOPE that it will make my life easier to live with.
    Kepp you head up, try to remember that IT WILL PASS, thats ONE thing you can rely on with the disorder… I think?

    -On The Border

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