“But the psych ward did help me and here’s why: I saw people 20 years older than me who were caught in my same cycle and it scared me. I saw how many people loved me in my life. I saw the impact that I had on other people. I saw that my suffering wasn’t just my suffering—that it was other peoples too. I saw that I did want to live my life. I began to appreciate what I had had and was hoping to still have.
When I finally got out, people were angry. My friends were mad. My husband was devastated. My parents were horrified. Nobody saw it as cry for help. They saw it as a selfish destructive and expensive act of self-pity and defiance.
I felt guilty for having been so impulsive and reckless. I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t to feel the way I was feeling.”
Sound familiar? Ever been hospitalized? I have, four times. The feeling of: “Oh shit, I’m sane and I don’t want to be here like these crazy people” is a feeling I’ve never experienced. My longest stay was two weeks and I didn’t want to leave. I did all I could to have them keep me, but I was there with zero insurance and zero money. They don’t like you owing them money, especially those poor, poor psychiatrists. I scratched myself and showed it to the nurse in charge. I refused meds until there was the obvious feeling that I would be sent downstairs, which is where you REALLY don’t want to go. I didn’t participate in groups, because they were beyond annoying. I didn’t want to go home and I was comfortable with the crazies and my despair. I wallowed in it and it fit like a glove. Nevermind the fact that I hadn’t had fresh air in two weeks, I wanted to fucking stay!
No cards. My family visited me and even a couple friends. I never got the validation I wanted/needed from my mother and still haven’t. She doesn’t seem to believe in my mental illness because I’m meant to feel worse for her and her life. Fucked thinking, right there. Think she’s BPD? Yeah.
I relate to this article though. In fact, it made me laugh because it’s so very, very accurate.
God, I miss the hospital. Only the nice one though.