In the last several months, I have been fortunate enough to have access to free healthcare, provided by local volunteer doctors and hospitals. I have been tested for epilepsy by receiving an EEG, I had a full lab workup, I had an MRI on my brain, and recently was lucky enough to get in on a sleep study to see if I’m narcoleptic. ALL of these tests have produced NOTHING. Heartache and stress, but not any information on my current conditions. I’ve been so frustrated with the results, I just break down and cry.
I will admit, I was in a bad place today, emotionally. I woke up with a severe migraine due to the storms and pressure (tropical depression Beryl). I laid in bed all day with an icepack on my head, by myself. I felt so lonely and agoraphobic, at the same time. This is a bad combination for when you have plenty of time to lay in bed and ruminate on shit. This would be exactly what I did, and it got me to thinking about my health. I wished they had found something wrong in my MRI, or that I was epileptic. I wanted to know that there was a reason for feeling like I do. I also wanted something terminal, so that it would take me out and I would also gain sympathy from those few who do care for me. I realize how bad that sounds, but it’s how I felt this afternoon.
When you deal with suicidality, and the obsessive thinking that I do, everyday, it can be exhausting. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to feel like I do anymore to the point where death seems to be the only option. My logical brain, the slower brain compared to emotional brain, knows perfectly how wrong all of this thinking is, but it is too slow. My emotional brain is lightening fast and tends to bully the logical brain into shutting the hell up.
Living, surviving, and attempting to cope, hour by hour, is not how I envisioned myself living right now. I have too much fire, too much dedication, and far too much pride to be dependent on everyone but myself. I want to help people and I can’t help myself.