Ever since I hit puberty, around 13, I’ve had an extremely unhealthy relationship with my body. From what most already know, this is very common for most teenagers, mostly teenage girls. Our culture consistently pushes unrealistic beauty and social standards on young women that are not attainable without turning to an eating disorder or plastic surgery; I like food and I’m too poor for plastic surgery.
I began gaining weight steadily once my metabolism began slowing down and my hormones went awry. It didn’t help that I was becoming more and more emotionally unstable due to undiagnosed mental health conditions. I was further made to feel guilty about my body everyday in school, because I took dance classes and wasn’t a stick in the least bit. I went straight to a C-cup in bra size and my curves became more prominent. Although there is beauty and excitement behind becoming a woman, I sure as hell didn’t see it when trying on clothes or changing for class.
I look in the mirror now, and see an alien. I have zero acceptance of my body the way it is. I feel invisible but yet, always too much for every situation. Shopping is a nightmare and has been for many years. I’ve burst into tears many times in dressing rooms. I wanted to wear fashionable clothes, and instead I had to wear horrible plus sized clothing that 60 year old women in remote towns thought was fashionable. I felt so obviously, and painfully, fat. I still do. I try so very hard to practice acceptance and to say that people will have to like me how I am, but even I don’t like me.
There’s not one part of myself that is appealing, when I look in the mirror. I feel foreign and gross. I touch my skin and it disgusts me. I’ve attempted to diet and exercise so many times now, it’s exhausting. I’ve even taken anti-epileptic medications to shrink my appetite. I actually lost 30lb that time, and felt good for once, but I couldn’t afford the meds anymore. People around me actually complimented me on losing the weight, but then always had a jealous remark that followed. That shows how obsessed with weight our culture is. It’s ingrained into our psyche.
I feel like I will hate myself until I lose at least 100lb, and even then, I doubt my ability to see any beauty. I’m almost 30 and I think about having a baby pretty regularly, but know that being pregnant while obese is unhealthy. I battle mental health issues and also the weight put on by the medications I need to operate each day. I have sleep problems which make me tired on a persistent basis. I feel stuck in a constant cycle of being fat. It feels hopeless. I know what needs to be done, but I don’t do it, for whatever reason in that moment. My future rides on losing weight and I cannot manage.
It feels so suffocating.