Please consider donating so I can walk to end stigma and raise money for suicide prevention.

Please donate here

I will be joining thousands of others nationwide, this fall, to walk in AFSP’s Walk “Out of the Darkness”, to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

I have personally dealt with major mental illness, including several suicide attempts, as well as several family members’ struggles with mental illness. Funding for suicide prevention is integral and extremely important.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Please consider a donation today and maybe even joining me for the walk!

 

swinging back and forth

This weekend I was devastatingly depressed, until Sunday. Sunday was a good day. And now today, I’m back to laying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I missed PHP, again. I don’t feel like dealing with the dog, eating, or finishing laundry.
My psychiatrist will probably say it’s a problem with my meds.
My therapists will know that it’s because I’m alone. Plain and simple. I cannot take being alone. Nothing throws me into a depressive slump quicker. This makes me feel weak and like a burden. I smother those around me. I’m terrified of being alone.

Journal entry August 9,2011

I want to hate you to make it easier to leave. I want to despise and resent you so that when I look back on you, I don’t cry. I don’t want to feel like you’re vital to my life that is being torn away against my will. Why do I always get to feel like I made the mistake? I was too open. I was too clingy. I was unstable and I scared you. You’re just plain sick of me. Maybe I started acting like we were friends too much instead of maintaining proper protocol? I’m sorry for whatever I did. I have a natural tendency to latch on and smother everyone so I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re leaving. I guess I’d leave me too. Everyone always has and always will. I’m trying so hard to be mad at you. I’m hoping off I can succeed, at least a little, it won’t hurt so much. To be honest, I have no idea what to do except cry and lay in bed.

i think i may need help soon *trigger warning for self injury*

I think I’m falling apart and quickly. I am currently surviving hour by hour, which feels awful. I want to sleep and take pills all day and not do anything.
I was rejected by someone I liked and it’s because I’m fucking crazy.
I want to die.

Significant other?

I’m sick of this. I’m tired of crying over you. This seems to be happening more and more often.

What are we? Fight for me! Complacency is the last thing you should grasping at right now.

Who are you with? I care but tell myself I don’t. I imagine the worse.

I feel like nothing. I feel like a burden. I feel like you don’t care.

Make me feel happy again or….

Medication is a necessity for me. *UPDATE*

I am lost right now. My medications have been reduced to almost nothing, and for those of you who live with mental illness and require them, you understand how this feels.

I was to undergo a sleep study last week for narcolepsy, finally.Apparently you’re not allowed to be on certain medications while you undergo sleep studies because they can give false results. Whatever. So, I had to begin the fun task of titrating down off of my anti-D and Vyvanse. I say titrate, but really, it wasn’t very slow. They cut me in half for a week, then cut me off. I crashed and I crashed hard. I don’t believe it was a result of just the meds, but a combination of the medications plus, my shit life.

I began burning again, I missed work, slept all day, stayed up all night, and now I’m back to splitting again in my relationships. A lot of black and white thinking occurring over here! Some serious depression happening, which is bringing out my my BPD symptoms. I feel isolated, alone, and like no one cares. I’m picking fights with Chris. I’m abandoning my few acquaintances I do have on Facebook, just because I don’t think they’re reaching out to me. I even began abusing my Klonopin again.  Spiral down wardssssss.

I found out a few days after visiting the doctor that they did not accept the clinic I went to, so my appointment would be pushed to April 30th. Yep, I am now going to have to wait. So, what about my medications? Well, the nurses couldn’t answer that question. I made several calls to find out and it took 4 days to finally get an answer: I was to take 50mg of my anti-D (I normally take 150mg) and do not resume the Vyvanse. 4 days prior to the study, stop taking the anti-D. YAY!

Today is the 19th and I missed work, I haven’t showered in two days, and I’m crying over everything. I have zero motivation, I’m apathetic, and I’m pretty much pissy. I just want a hug, but I want it from the people who aren’t here to give one to me. I want, I want, I want what I cannot and will not get/have.

I feel so utterly shitty and alone. I want someone to pet my hair and treat me like a sick 7 year old. I want a caring mother. I want to lay in bed and be loved and listen to music and eat junk and whine and do what I WANT.

No stress. No worry on my mind.

Instead, I have to act like I’m not mentally fucked. I have to act like I’m not disappointed that people aren’t acting concerned. I have to pretend, like always. I’m tired of it.