Journal entry 4/19/11

Sitting on the edge of my bed, contemplating where on my body I should burn. So many racing thoughts running through my head. Thinking about far too many things at once. It’s enough to drive you mad.

i feel repulsive, so I want to make myself truly repulsive. I want to be so disgusting that no one ever wants to be with me. I feel like a piece of shit. Worthless and ugly.

FAT FAT

not only am I physically ugly, I’m a shit friend and girlfriend. My personality sucks. I’m negative and self involved. I wouldn’t be with me. Why should anyone else? What positive things do I bring to the table? Nothing.

im

the truth, really?

They tell you to be truthful because they want to help. They say it will only help you, in the end. I partially believe them and then I tell the truth. What happens? They send me to these awful hospitals that never help.
Just because I say I feel hopeless. Just because I harm myself, doesn’t mean I need to be hospitalized. Just because death is an everyday thought, doesn’t mean I plan on acting on those thoughts.
Who can I talk to without fear? No one understands.

Here we go again…

I just burned myself for the first time in a long time. So long, I’d stopped counting. I would be beating myself up over it but it felt so good.

I feel lower than low, right now. I have so much self hate right now, I’m running through ways to make myself even more ugly, more invisible, and basically make my physical appearance mimic how I feel inside. I want to shave my head and dye it black. I want to burn my arms all over and never shower, get dressed, or brush my teeth.

I feel like nothing. I am nothing but a burden. The world would be better off without me, but I can’t even manage to properly kill myself. I’m lost.

A loss of self

I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant and last month, I was ecstatic to see two positive tests staring back at me. I became infatuated with my pregnancy and felt great. I was so happy, I was able to quit my meds cold turkey and it didn’t bother me at all. My family and friends have been so supportive. I had something to get up for each day. I was important.
I am using the past tense because I found out today that I am unequivocally not pregnant any longer. I had a miscarriage at some point and began menstruating on Friday. I was devastated and lost. I stayed in bed all weekend and cried, tried to distract myself, and got rid of any baby evidence I could find.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I went to therapy today and I’ve made an appointment for meds counseling tomorrow. I hadn’t thought of hurting myself in what felt like awhile, but Saturday, I felt sure I was going to do something. I am confused and don’t know where to go from here.