I can’t stop my brain. I tried….

Well. I guess the extent of my trying is whining and bitching on Tumblr and then sleeping when no one listened.
I also attempted to drown myself in TV and homework but they didn’t work either.
I’m miserable and this is a special sticky, molasses type of miserable that I can’t unstick.
My old ways of “coping” would have been to hurt myself and take too many pills. I’d sleep all day and night and eventually check into the hospital.
I have zero desire to do either thing. I know none of it will help me and is more of a colossal waste at this point. This isn’t growth or anything. I knew self injury and abusing pills was bad, I did it anyway. I just need help.
I have so much weighing on me right now that even summarizing it is a heavy task. There’s so much stress to finish up loose ends for the wedding and there’s a lot left and I’m doing it by myself. I feel overwhelmed.
There’s also my classwork. I am trying so hard to stay on top of it but this is the worst time I could be in a class.
I am seriously getting cold feet and I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I have no therapist and no friends. I feel like Chris barely talks with me anymore. Like it’s a chore.
I hate looking at myself. In pictures or the mirror or even a reflection and I’m about to get married and I’m terrified. I hate my hair and my face and my body and everything and I’m not getting any support because I haven’t shared with anyone but…..well I get sad because I feel like my future husband should make me feel good once in awhile and he doesn’t even try. He has to know something is wrong with me right now but I feel like he’d rather not address it and would rather ignore it until it until it resolves itself. How are we going to stay married if we can’t help each other through emotional shit?
I mean, there’s so much going on in my head right now and I just keep breaking down. I’m crying every night.  No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. I feel isolated and ugly and I don’t know how I’m going to go on anymore. I’m not happy. Getting married in two months isn’t going to magically make me happy either.
We have not dealt with our non-existent sex life, which I know has to be bothering him. It’s been almost a year since we had sex last. I think about it and it terrifies me. I’m also scared he’s looking elsewhere. I don’t have anything to go off of but a fear.
These are all things I need to resolve and now!
I need someone now.
I have no one.

Saying goodbye and other stressors, an update.

I knew back in July. Well almost….

If you look back, you’ll see a short post about my 3 year mark with my therapist. I mentioned then how I was nervous that she might be leaving soon and how I wasn’t going to have anywhere to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I guess I should trust my gut instincts because they seem to be fairly accurate. I had my last session with her this past Monday. The reasoning behind us having to end our professional relationship was in no way her fault. The women’s center she works at (she is now paid and is no longer only getting accreditation hours) essentially survives on grants from the government and is really only meant to give short term counseling (15-20 sessions). I have been going for 3 1/2 years. I knew it was coming, I just wasn’t sure when. I knew she was either going to leave and start work elsewhere or this was going to happen. I just didn’t know it was going to be so soon. I also thought we’d have some more time to work on some pertinent issues.

I have not had sex since before the childhood survivors of sexual assault group back in March? and I miss it, but not really, but kind of sort of…. okay it’s a touchy subject. I have no libido but I keep having sexual dreams. Medications don’t help, of course. The mere thought terrifies me but the thought that my fiance is missing out and unhappy makes me unhappy. We REALLY need to work on this but I cannot afford to see anyone right now. I found someone I’d like to start seeing but it’s too expensive and there’s the whole “getting to know you” stage. Anyways, it’s not pleasant right now and I’m stressed about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No support.

Then, there’s the issue of this wedding, school, and general unhappiness in my life. This feeling of doom lingering. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to after the wedding in March and I’ll be stuck in the house, bored to tears, depressed, no therapist. My dad is being very cool about paying for the wedding, which is really awesome and he’s being very, different, when we talk on the phone. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s more involved? More receptive? We’re going over there on Christmas day instead of my mom’s because I feel I owe it to him. I don’t know how to handle this new way he’s acting. Do I act more involved in his life now? Do I do anything different? I feel so out of place.

I am also having issues with people who I thought were my friends and they’ve shown they really weren’t. I have a tendency to invest myself emotionally into people prior to them actually proving whether they deserve it or whether they plan on reciprocating it. This usually ends in me getting hurt. No surprise this time… I thought I was closer with someone than I was and it bit me in the ass. I thought this person cared for me. I thought this person gave a shit. Silly me. Oh well. Move on and try to learn from the experience I guess.

I truly do need someone in my life right now to speak to and I don’t have that outlet. I miss my therapist so much. She was so much more than someone I paid to give me advice. She was a friend, a confidant, and a big part of my life. I feel I’m missing my safety net right now and I’m kind of lost.

Here we go again…

I just burned myself for the first time in a long time. So long, I’d stopped counting. I would be beating myself up over it but it felt so good.

I feel lower than low, right now. I have so much self hate right now, I’m running through ways to make myself even more ugly, more invisible, and basically make my physical appearance mimic how I feel inside. I want to shave my head and dye it black. I want to burn my arms all over and never shower, get dressed, or brush my teeth.

I feel like nothing. I am nothing but a burden. The world would be better off without me, but I can’t even manage to properly kill myself. I’m lost.

in 3 minutes, your life will change…

I just urinated on a stick. A magical stick to me that will tell me my future. I bought it at the Dollar General; it was $6. I opted for the name brand over the cheaper one. I figured this is not the occasion to pinch a penny, or two.
I read the instructions twice before, and once while I waited and extremely long 3 minutes.
One line means your life remains unchanged, supposedly.
A crossed set of lines means your whole world has changed, either positively or negatively. I guess it depends on your place in life at the moment.

I got one line tonight and began crying. I don’t know how to feel right now. I am torn between my emotions and logic. I know I cannot afford a child right now, but when will I be able to? So many have told me “you’re never ready to have a child”, but I want to be more ready than I am now.

I yearn for a baby so much right now, it’s unbearable to be around other children. I feel an emptiness that I want filled and believe a child would help fill that void.

I’ll be taking another test in a week. I need to make sure that the results are accurate.
I don’t know what I want them to be though.

Hormonal crazy lady

I’m 28. My hormones, although I take birth control everyday, are raging like crazy. My uterus is screaming for a baby. My heart, my soul, and my intuition are saying it’s time to be a mother, but my brain (and bank account)say otherwise. I need to concentrate on school, my emotional well being, and my future. I feel incomplete. I want to nurture, love, and take care of someone else that will do the same for me. I feel like my time is running out.

i think i may need help soon *trigger warning for self injury*

I think I’m falling apart and quickly. I am currently surviving hour by hour, which feels awful. I want to sleep and take pills all day and not do anything.
I was rejected by someone I liked and it’s because I’m fucking crazy.
I want to die.

couples counseling

What fun that was! I was told that I don’t help enough around the house, which makes him feel taken advantage of. I was also told that I nag too much and that he’s scared he’ll look into my room one day and find me dead.

I don’t know how to process this. I’m devastated on one hand, but agitated on the other. It’s nice to know he cares, now, but when I’m in the deep depths of depression, I need to know then.

I’m so emotionally exhausted right now. I keep looking at my arms and wanting to shred them to pieces.