couples counseling

What fun that was! I was told that I don’t help enough around the house, which makes him feel taken advantage of. I was also told that I nag too much and that he’s scared he’ll look into my room one day and find me dead.

I don’t know how to process this. I’m devastated on one hand, but agitated on the other. It’s nice to know he cares, now, but when I’m in the deep depths of depression, I need to know then.

I’m so emotionally exhausted right now. I keep looking at my arms and wanting to shred them to pieces.

I will do it.

I start a sexual abuse therapy group next Thursday, and I am not going to lie, I could throw up with nervous anticipation. I hope that I’m ready, and stable, enough to tackle the issue of sexual abuse right now. This is an amazing opportunity that I don’t want to lose, but I am very anxious.

I haven’t even really gone in to specifics with my individual therapist yet, and here I am about to tell a room of strangers. What I’m most nervous about is the possible perceived judgment. Logically, I know that they’re not going to talk I’ll about my situation or guilt me, but my feelings say a whole other thing.

It’s time to begin the healing process. I’m sick of ignoring this issue, pushing it down because it’s uncomfortable. I’m done.

Touchy subject, no pun intended.

I saw my therapist for the first time in, well, over a month today. We briefly caught up, but ended up on a very sensitive subject for me: sexual abuse when I was a child. I still haven’t told her, in detail, what happened and I’m not quite sure why. This is a link we both share, so you’d think I would be more open to saying what happened. I think I feel an extremely large amount of guilt. I don’t think I was at fault, by any means. I was only a small girl when it happened. I think I feel guilt because I didn’t stop him and I could have. I also didn’t tell anyone about it until I was much older and in therapy. I feel guilt because there are those in this world who have suffered far worse at the hands of someone they trusted, loved, etc. and I feel like maybe I should just get over it. The logical part of my mind says this is all bullshit, but my emotions say something completely different.

We also discussed my current relationship and how I cannot be intimate because my mind won’t stop racing back to that night. Whenever we try to be intimate, which isn’t often anymore, I wince. I can’t stop my mind from racing. I keep thinking:I hope he doesn’t touch me like I was that night. When I think this, I end up ending whatever was happening. Sex is obviously out of the question at the moment until this is tackled. The amount of guilt I feel because of this is monumental. The logical part of me realizes that I’m in no type of “binding contract” to perform sexual acts for anyone unless I damn well please, but I still feel an insane amount of guilt. Self loathing, low self esteem, and guilt have been my constant negative feelings lately, coupled with stress and loneliness. It’s all too much sometimes.

We also discussed how my mom didn’t (maybe still doesn’t) believe me when I told her and how that makes me feel. I haven’t figured out if this is worse than what actually happened that night. To be told by your mother that “you must be remembering it wrong” or “he would never do something like that”. It’s a horribly invalidating experience and I feel like I can never trust her for anything. I feel so numb right now. I know that talking about it is better than bottling it up, but I don’t like the rawness I’m experiencing. I feel like crawling in bed right now for the rest of the day. I’m supposed to go to my mom’s tonight but I really don’t want to and I cannot think of an excuse to get out of it.

Being open about what happened to me has been a positive as well as a negative experience. I feel more empowered when I share with certain people and yet, I feel trapped at the same time. This is something I purposely pushed down so deep, for years, and completely “forgot” about. Now I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

Bad thoughts

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

I don’t know what to do. The one person I usually go to to talk to about these thoughts and feelings, I can’t! The reason being, the feelings and thoughts revolve around her! My therapist is the cause and center of my current dilemma and I’m at a loss as to what the fuck I’m supposed to do. My family is a dead end, my best friend tries but he just really can’t comprehend the way I need him to, and total strangers on the internet can only do so much. I feel like I’m losing my grip. I’m beginning to dissociate while driving. I’m having frequent crying spells. I’m thinking more and more about self harm. It’s like I’m about to relapse and we still have 7 more months of therapy left.

I’m trying to make myself hate her. I feel like if I can make myself mad at her, then at least it will hurt less than if I feel betrayed and let down by someone I still care for. She told me several times she’d never leave me and she’s doing just that. I thought she’d fight for me. I thought she’d devise a plan with me and we’d be trying our darnedest to fight the system and at least go out kicking and screaming. I feel so defeated. I feel like I just want to disappear.

I told her from the very beginning that I struggled with abandonment and she reassured me many times she’d never leave. lies.

7 Months. Sessions every 2 weeks. I have no say or voice in the matter. It’s non-negotiable. I sobbed and sobbed today on her couch and in my car. She tried to change the subject because she wants us to “stay on track” and keep working instead of derailing on this. I balled up my sheet of paper with my prepared notes without even showing them to her. I’m angry and hurt. I feel betrayed. I keep feeling like she’s dumping me for a new model, a less crazy and more stable model.

She doesn’t want me to hurt myself. Made me promise. Why should I promise her anything?

Meds update:

So my Topamax and Doxepin (mood and antidepressant) are staying the same. I was starting to notice heightened stress and anxiety/panic levels which were leading to OCD symptoms surfacing. I mentioned this to my ARNP and she put me back on Klonopin! Yay! I missed it so much. I finally have something to help with my crippling anxiety again instead of just breathing exercises and avoidance. This will help me get out of the house now and further get over my agoraphobia. It will also help remedy my physical issues I’ve been experiencing, like tightness in my chest and difficulty breathing. I also don’t need to start counting, picking, or pulling again.

I started the Vyvanse (this was my second day) and so far I like it. I take it when I get up each morning and it does what it’s meant to do. It generally works about 12-13 hours. I haven’t noticed any physical side effects, aside from weird visual “trails”, but that will subside, I’m sure. No jitters, no racing heart, nothing like Ritalin. It just gradually helps me with my energy level through out the day. I’m not a morning person at all and where I would normally need a nap when I get home from work, I’m perfectly fine. I haven’t tested it in regards to concentration yet. I might do that tomorrow.

I’m pleased either way so far. Medications fucking rock.

It’s been awhile/update…

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, well, anything personal, anywhere. I haven’t written here or in my journals or even on Tumblr. I actually haven’t had too much to say, which is kind of a good thing. I’ve been swamped with school and my new jobs. I’ve also been feeling so much better with my new medication combination; Ive felt stable enough that I didn’t feel the need to pour myself out onto the internet or onto paper in order to stay sane (or alive). This is all good.

I’m mainly writing this post to update but also to share a new feeling of impending doom. I know that’s somewhat oxy-moronical seeing as I just got finished saying how great I was feeling. Let me explain a bit.

I’ve been seeing my current therapist (she’s technically a grad student getting her internship hours at a local women’s help clinic) for over a year now. I hadn’t been in therapy for well over 4 years because I was unable to afford it and I was finally able to get in with this place and I’ve been lucky enough to stay with her. It was slow going at first, as many patient/therapist relationships can be. I think ours may have been slightly more difficult because she was still so new to this and I was such an unstable basket case at the time. It also probably doesn’t help that I know so much about my disorders and conditions, I could school most licensed professionals at this point.  Anyways, we’re actually quite a bit of progress right now. I am quite close to her (maybe too much, that’s a whole other messed up bag of dependency/abandonment issues) and get quite a bit out of our sessions. I was seeing her weekly up until about a month or so ago. She informed me then that there seems to be some silly rule that they’re actually not supposed to see clients long term at the women’s center and she’s done all that she can to extend it but she’s going to have to stop seeing me soon.  That’s it. There’s nothing I can do about it and apparently nothing she can do. What in the fuck?! How is that healthy for me?

Fast forward to present day. We’ve had maybe 4 sessions since I was told that we’re on limited time. We’ve started seeing each other every other week now to extend my time with her and it’s just killing me. I’m not getting what I need from our sessions and it just seems utterly fucking pointless. I feel like I have to jam as much as possible in my 50 minutes and then poof, it’s over. I don’t understand how her supervisors can possibly see this as healthy for me. I don’t see why they wouldn’t allow me to continue to see her. I pay every time I see her. I’m never late. I’ve never missed a session. I’m a great client. Why? It’s not fair. Meanwhile, I get to try to think about somehow finding someone else. There is no one else. I’ve spent the last 4 years scouring this city looking for someone I could afford and there isn’t anyone. I’m uninsured and poor. I currently pay 15 bucks a session. Who the hell is going to allow that? No one.

I’m going to be alone again. It’s scaring the shit out of me because I’m finally stable and I finally have my shit together and now I might lose it over this. Over a stupid rule that could be broken. Should be broken. I am scared I might lose my shit. Last week when I left session with her, I got into the car and broke down. I was convulsing, I was crying so hard. I came home and cried even more. I hadn’t thought of suicide in so long and my mind wandered in that direction because of this. It’s scaring me to think that I can’t survive without her. She is my rock. I have to wait until August 8th to see her again before we can talk about this. 50 minutes is not enough time to work this out. I want to talk to her supervisors and ask them why they can’t allow me to see her. Why isn’t it ok?