BREATHE

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7/11 breathing. A skill to use for anxiety. It’s recommended to do it for 10-15 minutes. Like any other skill it does require a lot of practice. I advice that you practice it when you are feeling calm so you are ready in a time of need. If you lose count, which is easily done, simply start again until you do 15 minutes. It will also help with distraction even if you don’t get it right the first hundred times.

Journal entry 5/10/12

I have to go through therapy because of you. What are you doing right now?!

you lied to my mom and she blamed me. She insisted nothin happened. She said I remembered things wrong. I can visualize that night like a movie, running in my head.

i won’t be sad the day you die. I don’t care about you at all. You’ve made me distrust me because you violated my trust. Who the hell does that to a child?! Sick people do what you did.

dont ever contact me again. I don’t even want to acknowledge your existence.

Here we go again…

I just burned myself for the first time in a long time. So long, I’d stopped counting. I would be beating myself up over it but it felt so good.

I feel lower than low, right now. I have so much self hate right now, I’m running through ways to make myself even more ugly, more invisible, and basically make my physical appearance mimic how I feel inside. I want to shave my head and dye it black. I want to burn my arms all over and never shower, get dressed, or brush my teeth.

I feel like nothing. I am nothing but a burden. The world would be better off without me, but I can’t even manage to properly kill myself. I’m lost.

Sexual Assault Group

I have 7 more group classes for sexual assault. I feel like I’m going to make it through all week until I’m right in the middle of the group, and especially after. I feel like death. I feel so drained and numb. I have a feeling this is not going to the end-all, be-all for my recovery. Hearing what happened to everyone in the group is so triggering, each and every week. I understand that it’s necessary to heal, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty. I may have to continue to take a Klonopin before each group. I was avoiding it but it seems that it may be essential to my emotional well-being afterward.

This group is further solidifying the misandrist in me.

couples counseling

What fun that was! I was told that I don’t help enough around the house, which makes him feel taken advantage of. I was also told that I nag too much and that he’s scared he’ll look into my room one day and find me dead.

I don’t know how to process this. I’m devastated on one hand, but agitated on the other. It’s nice to know he cares, now, but when I’m in the deep depths of depression, I need to know then.

I’m so emotionally exhausted right now. I keep looking at my arms and wanting to shred them to pieces.