I can’t stop my brain. I tried….

Well. I guess the extent of my trying is whining and bitching on Tumblr and then sleeping when no one listened.
I also attempted to drown myself in TV and homework but they didn’t work either.
I’m miserable and this is a special sticky, molasses type of miserable that I can’t unstick.
My old ways of “coping” would have been to hurt myself and take too many pills. I’d sleep all day and night and eventually check into the hospital.
I have zero desire to do either thing. I know none of it will help me and is more of a colossal waste at this point. This isn’t growth or anything. I knew self injury and abusing pills was bad, I did it anyway. I just need help.
I have so much weighing on me right now that even summarizing it is a heavy task. There’s so much stress to finish up loose ends for the wedding and there’s a lot left and I’m doing it by myself. I feel overwhelmed.
There’s also my classwork. I am trying so hard to stay on top of it but this is the worst time I could be in a class.
I am seriously getting cold feet and I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I have no therapist and no friends. I feel like Chris barely talks with me anymore. Like it’s a chore.
I hate looking at myself. In pictures or the mirror or even a reflection and I’m about to get married and I’m terrified. I hate my hair and my face and my body and everything and I’m not getting any support because I haven’t shared with anyone but…..well I get sad because I feel like my future husband should make me feel good once in awhile and he doesn’t even try. He has to know something is wrong with me right now but I feel like he’d rather not address it and would rather ignore it until it until it resolves itself. How are we going to stay married if we can’t help each other through emotional shit?
I mean, there’s so much going on in my head right now and I just keep breaking down. I’m crying every night.  No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. I feel isolated and ugly and I don’t know how I’m going to go on anymore. I’m not happy. Getting married in two months isn’t going to magically make me happy either.
We have not dealt with our non-existent sex life, which I know has to be bothering him. It’s been almost a year since we had sex last. I think about it and it terrifies me. I’m also scared he’s looking elsewhere. I don’t have anything to go off of but a fear.
These are all things I need to resolve and now!
I need someone now.
I have no one.

I loathe my own reflection

Ever since I hit puberty, around 13, I’ve had an extremely unhealthy relationship with my body. From what most already know, this is very common for most teenagers, mostly teenage girls. Our culture consistently pushes unrealistic beauty and social standards on young women that are not attainable without turning to an eating disorder or plastic surgery; I like food and I’m too poor for plastic surgery.

I began gaining weight steadily once my metabolism began slowing down and my hormones went awry. It didn’t help that I was becoming more and more emotionally unstable due to undiagnosed mental health conditions. I was further made to feel guilty about my body everyday in school, because I took dance classes and wasn’t a stick in the least bit. I went straight to a C-cup in bra size and my curves became more prominent. Although there is beauty and excitement behind becoming a woman, I sure as hell didn’t see it when trying on clothes or changing for class.

I look in the mirror now, and see an alien. I have zero acceptance of my body the way it is. I feel invisible but yet, always too much for every situation. Shopping is a nightmare and has been for many years. I’ve burst into tears many times in dressing rooms. I wanted to wear fashionable clothes, and instead I had to wear horrible plus sized clothing that 60 year old women in remote towns thought was fashionable. I felt so obviously, and painfully, fat. I still do. I try so very hard to practice acceptance and to say that people will have to like me how I am, but even I don’t like me.

There’s not one part of myself that is appealing, when I look in the mirror. I feel foreign and gross. I touch my skin and it disgusts me. I’ve attempted to diet and exercise so many times now, it’s exhausting. I’ve even taken anti-epileptic medications to shrink my appetite. I actually lost 30lb that time, and felt good for once, but I couldn’t afford the meds anymore. People around me actually complimented me on losing the weight, but then always had a jealous remark that followed. That shows how obsessed with weight our culture is. It’s ingrained into our psyche.

I feel like I will hate myself until I lose at least 100lb, and even then, I doubt my ability to see any beauty. I’m almost 30 and I think about having a baby pretty regularly, but know that being pregnant while obese is unhealthy. I battle mental health issues and also the weight put on by the medications I need to operate each day. I have sleep problems which make me tired on a persistent basis. I feel stuck in a constant cycle of being fat. It feels hopeless. I know what needs to be done, but I don’t do it, for whatever reason in that moment. My future rides on losing weight and I cannot manage.

It feels so suffocating.