It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.
I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.
This weekend I was devastatingly depressed, until Sunday. Sunday was a good day. And now today, I’m back to laying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I missed PHP, again. I don’t feel like dealing with the dog, eating, or finishing laundry.
My psychiatrist will probably say it’s a problem with my meds.
My therapists will know that it’s because I’m alone. Plain and simple. I cannot take being alone. Nothing throws me into a depressive slump quicker. This makes me feel weak and like a burden. I smother those around me. I’m terrified of being alone.
Well, after I told Chris what happened with Anne and had a good cry, he put a completely different perspective on this whole thing. My plan to try and “hate” her in order to make it easier to leave Is probably not going to work now. he mentioned that there’s the possibility that she goes home and is affected over this too. I just broke down. I started sobbing from my gut for a good 5 minutes, I couldn’t breathe. To think of her in pain caused me even more pain.
I want to hate you to make it easier to leave. I want to despise and resent you so that when I look back on you, I don’t cry. I don’t want to feel like you’re vital to my life that is being torn away against my will. Why do I always get to feel like I made the mistake? I was too open. I was too clingy. I was unstable and I scared you. You’re just plain sick of me. Maybe I started acting like we were friends too much instead of maintaining proper protocol? I’m sorry for whatever I did. I have a natural tendency to latch on and smother everyone so I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re leaving. I guess I’d leave me too. Everyone always has and always will. I’m trying so hard to be mad at you. I’m hoping off I can succeed, at least a little, it won’t hurt so much. To be honest, I have no idea what to do except cry and lay in bed.
I think I’m falling apart and quickly. I am currently surviving hour by hour, which feels awful. I want to sleep and take pills all day and not do anything.
I was rejected by someone I liked and it’s because I’m fucking crazy.
I want to die.
Validation exists just outside the reach of my fingertips and yet, ah!
Overwhelming agitation at everyone and most of all myself.
This leads me to punish and beat myself up every night. This is a never-ending cycle, as of late, and I can’t seem to break free. The more friends and colleagues I make, both online and in real life, the harder it becomes to cope.
My social skills seem okay from the outside but really, truly, I am one sick pup.
Validation, please. Por favor! Anyone? I’m truly sick of being ignored. I feel like I’m screaming from the rooftops of my skull but everyone is deaf, even my therapist.
What the fuck, man?