Moving on..

What do you do when you’ve lost someone you care deeply about and you don’t know how to move on? What then? They’re still alive but you’re no longer a part of their world, for whatever reason, and you are in pain. What do you do?

I’ve never learned how to grieve properly. I don’t know how to end a close relationship with someone and then just continue my life. I see and hear things that remind me of them and it hurts. I’m told to look back fondly and remember my time with them as a positive chapter in my life, which I do, but I’m still aching. I need to fill that void.

This person was very important to me and they suddenly are not a part of my life. I cannot just move on. I cannot just forget it and live my life like everything is okay. I don’t know why that’s expected of me. I don’t know why my experience is downplayed.

I don’t know what to do and I have no one to ask.

Three years…

It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.

I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.

swinging back and forth

This weekend I was devastatingly depressed, until Sunday. Sunday was a good day. And now today, I’m back to laying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I missed PHP, again. I don’t feel like dealing with the dog, eating, or finishing laundry.
My psychiatrist will probably say it’s a problem with my meds.
My therapists will know that it’s because I’m alone. Plain and simple. I cannot take being alone. Nothing throws me into a depressive slump quicker. This makes me feel weak and like a burden. I smother those around me. I’m terrified of being alone.

Journal entry August 10, 2011

Well, after I told Chris what happened with Anne and had a good cry, he put a completely different perspective on this whole thing. My plan to try and “hate” her in order to make it easier to leave Is probably not going to work now. he mentioned that there’s the possibility that she goes home and is affected over this too. I just broke down. I started sobbing from my gut for a good 5 minutes, I couldn’t breathe. To think of her in pain caused me even more pain.

Journal entry August 9,2011

I want to hate you to make it easier to leave. I want to despise and resent you so that when I look back on you, I don’t cry. I don’t want to feel like you’re vital to my life that is being torn away against my will. Why do I always get to feel like I made the mistake? I was too open. I was too clingy. I was unstable and I scared you. You’re just plain sick of me. Maybe I started acting like we were friends too much instead of maintaining proper protocol? I’m sorry for whatever I did. I have a natural tendency to latch on and smother everyone so I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re leaving. I guess I’d leave me too. Everyone always has and always will. I’m trying so hard to be mad at you. I’m hoping off I can succeed, at least a little, it won’t hurt so much. To be honest, I have no idea what to do except cry and lay in bed.

i think i may need help soon *trigger warning for self injury*

I think I’m falling apart and quickly. I am currently surviving hour by hour, which feels awful. I want to sleep and take pills all day and not do anything.
I was rejected by someone I liked and it’s because I’m fucking crazy.
I want to die.

Validation exists just…

Validation exists just outside the reach of my fingertips and yet, ah!
Overwhelming agitation at everyone and most of all myself.
This leads me to punish and beat myself up every night. This is a never-ending cycle, as of late, and I can’t seem to break free. The more friends and colleagues I make, both online and in real life, the harder it becomes to cope.

My social skills seem okay from the outside but really, truly, I am one sick pup.

Validation, please. Por favor! Anyone? I’m truly sick of being ignored. I feel like I’m screaming from the rooftops of my skull but everyone is deaf, even my therapist.
What the fuck, man?