Medication is a necessity for me. *UPDATE*

I am lost right now. My medications have been reduced to almost nothing, and for those of you who live with mental illness and require them, you understand how this feels.

I was to undergo a sleep study last week for narcolepsy, finally.Apparently you’re not allowed to be on certain medications while you undergo sleep studies because they can give false results. Whatever. So, I had to begin the fun task of titrating down off of my anti-D and Vyvanse. I say titrate, but really, it wasn’t very slow. They cut me in half for a week, then cut me off. I crashed and I crashed hard. I don’t believe it was a result of just the meds, but a combination of the medications plus, my shit life.

I began burning again, I missed work, slept all day, stayed up all night, and now I’m back to splitting again in my relationships. A lot of black and white thinking occurring over here! Some serious depression happening, which is bringing out my my BPD symptoms. I feel isolated, alone, and like no one cares. I’m picking fights with Chris. I’m abandoning my few acquaintances I do have on Facebook, just because I don’t think they’re reaching out to me. I even began abusing my Klonopin again.  Spiral down wardssssss.

I found out a few days after visiting the doctor that they did not accept the clinic I went to, so my appointment would be pushed to April 30th. Yep, I am now going to have to wait. So, what about my medications? Well, the nurses couldn’t answer that question. I made several calls to find out and it took 4 days to finally get an answer: I was to take 50mg of my anti-D (I normally take 150mg) and do not resume the Vyvanse. 4 days prior to the study, stop taking the anti-D. YAY!

Today is the 19th and I missed work, I haven’t showered in two days, and I’m crying over everything. I have zero motivation, I’m apathetic, and I’m pretty much pissy. I just want a hug, but I want it from the people who aren’t here to give one to me. I want, I want, I want what I cannot and will not get/have.

I feel so utterly shitty and alone. I want someone to pet my hair and treat me like a sick 7 year old. I want a caring mother. I want to lay in bed and be loved and listen to music and eat junk and whine and do what I WANT.

No stress. No worry on my mind.

Instead, I have to act like I’m not mentally fucked. I have to act like I’m not disappointed that people aren’t acting concerned. I have to pretend, like always. I’m tired of it.


Bad thoughts

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back bad thoughts are coming back

I don’t know what to do. The one person I usually go to to talk to about these thoughts and feelings, I can’t! The reason being, the feelings and thoughts revolve around her! My therapist is the cause and center of my current dilemma and I’m at a loss as to what the fuck I’m supposed to do. My family is a dead end, my best friend tries but he just really can’t comprehend the way I need him to, and total strangers on the internet can only do so much. I feel like I’m losing my grip. I’m beginning to dissociate while driving. I’m having frequent crying spells. I’m thinking more and more about self harm. It’s like I’m about to relapse and we still have 7 more months of therapy left.

I’m trying to make myself hate her. I feel like if I can make myself mad at her, then at least it will hurt less than if I feel betrayed and let down by someone I still care for. She told me several times she’d never leave me and she’s doing just that. I thought she’d fight for me. I thought she’d devise a plan with me and we’d be trying our darnedest to fight the system and at least go out kicking and screaming. I feel so defeated. I feel like I just want to disappear.

Tried to resuscitate, didn’t work.

I’m so confused and hurt and….and…emotional right now. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I’m a walking contradiction and it’s so very uncomfortable. I feel relief and despair at the same time. I feel yearning and yet I know it will never be.

Tomorrow is the big day. I have to be the adult. I have to be the strong one, as usual. Why are the fragile ones always the ones who have to be the strongest? Why are we always the ones who have to come forth and be the bigger person?

Where to from here? I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

Also, can I just say this again, for the millionth time, “I love my therapist”.

Schemas, mine suck.

I found out my top schemas today and they weren’t a surprise in the least bit.

Just in case you were wondering, a schema is defined as the following:

A schema (pl. schemata or schemas), in psychology and cognitive science, describes any of several concepts including:

  • An organized pattern of thought or behavior.
  • A structured cluster of pre-conceived ideas.
  • A mental structure that represents some aspect of the world.
  • A specific knowledge structure or cognitive representation of the self.
  • A mental framework centering on a specific theme, that helps us to organize social information.
  • Structures that organize our knowledge and assumptions about something and are used for interpreting and processing information.

A schema for oneself is called a “self schema”. Schemata for other people are called “person schemata”. Schemata for roles or occupations are called “role schemata”, and schemata for events or situations are called “event schemata” (or scripts).

Schemata influence our attention, as we are more likely to notice things that fit into our schema. If something contradicts our schema, it may be encoded or interpreted as an exception or as unique. Thus, schemata are prone to distortion. They influence what we look for in a situation. They have a tendency to remain unchanged, even in the face of contradictory information. We are inclined to place people who do not fit our schema in a “special” or “different” category, rather than to consider the possibility that our schema may be faulty. As a result of schemata, we might act in such a way that actually causes our expectations to come true.

Okay, so now you know what a schema is. Which schema is affecting me the most? Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation, Pessimism, and Approval Seeking are my main schemas.

Emotional Deprivation
This schema refers to the belief that one’s primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurturance – needs for affection, closeness and love; Empathy – needs to be listened to and understood; Protection – needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don’t adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end imminently. As children, these clients may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child’s needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extended periods.

This schema refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. Clients with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents in their early years.

This schema refers to a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. Clients with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how
well things are going for them. Usually these clients had a parent who worried excessively.

Am I surprised by these? No. Do they hurt. Yes, they still hurt. Each of them describes my childhood to a “T”. I wasn’t abused as a child. I wasn’t necessarily neglected, in the traditional sense, but I was in the emotionally damaging sense. Everything that happened to me in my childhood, including my teen years, has made me the hot mess I am today. While I agree that many have been through far worse and have come out just fine; it’s the fact that I am genetically predisposed to be more sensitive that has made my upbringing that more painful for me.

It sucks to know you’re defective and it can be so easily summed up in little paragraphs. While it’s a comfort to see that there is some sort of therapy available to help, I’m very doubtful (pessimism) and concerned. I still need therapy to deal with ongoing issues each week but we have to focus on schema therapy instead.

I feel like a big part of me is being ignored. I feel alone again. These are parts of me that I knew to be, me. I didn’t think they were fixable. I thought I was one big mistake, one big problem. While I am trying to remain hopeful, it’s still a lot to process right now. I have so much going on in my life. I have so much going on in my brain. While I had convinced myself that I was fighting BPD and tried to learn all I could about that, it turns out it’s so much bigger than that. BPD is just a part of a bigger monster. I feel like I’ve been fighting for years now, and I have. For ten years, I’ve been fighting each day to stay alive and it’s draining the little bit of life out of me. I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me.

save yourself

Maybe I should face the reality that being alone is more convenient for me. I am less likely to hurt someone and not know it. I’m less likely to be hurt. They won’t have to deal with the fact that I’m in and out of hospitals and treatment. They won’t have to walk around my feelings. They won’t have to worry about finding my body. They won’t have to support me financially, emotionally, and physically. They can pursue a life more like the one they’ve always dreamed of. Go on, be happy.

Goodbye Anne

I only have 20 more sessions with my counselor. I found this out today and I’m feeling pretty sick about it. Apparently, the center where I see her doesn’t allow long term counseling services. To them, 20 is the maximum allowed. I’ve been seeing her for almost a year, so obviously I’ve gone way over.  What sucks most about this is that I feel like I need her even more and now I’m learning I’ll be seeing her less. I was given the option to continue weekly sessions and see her for 5 more months. Or, I can choose bi-weekly session and double that amount of time, which I obviously did.

I went into session today and brought up my fear that she was beginning to get sick of me and was ready to pass me on to someone else. She assured me that this was not true and then dropped this bombshell on me. I can’t help but feel like I’m being abandoned. I have nowhere else to go. I cannot afford to pay more than I do and there are not other options available.

So when I see her for the last time, what will I do? Right now, I’m thinking I’ll flip out. Crying is the least of my worries. I tend to impulsively endanger myself when I am abandoned. I hope between now and then, I’ll have learned some new coping skills to deal, but I am skeptical. I can’t think about it. The more I do, the more I want to crawl into a ball and never leave my bed.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll be on medication and in therapy the rest of my life. It doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is getting close to a therapist and then having to move on to someone else. I don’t want to.

Letter to my therapist, and everyone else.

You say you won’t leave me but why should I believe you, or anyone else for that matter? I was left by my father before I could even say or do anything wrong. My mere existence was enough to break up a marriage. Don’t think I don’t obsess over that all the time. What would have been had I not been born? Would they still be together and happy? Would my dad be fitter, emotionally and physically? Would my mom be happier?

I know she based her decision to leave on what was best for her and her child. I don’t blame her anymore. I blame him for not trying hard enough. Why couldn’t he have tried for me? I’m his flesh and blood. I’m his hair, eyes, and nose. Wasn’t I worth it?

So excuse me if I have trust and dependency issues. Excuse me if I have “daddy issues”.

I want to trust you more than anyone. I want to believe that no matter what I say or do, you’ll be there. Then I see the look in your eyes and hear the disappointment in your voice when I fuck up. I feel like the loneliness will only continue and I can’t bear any of this anymore.

I truly want to believe you’ll be there when I need you most but that’s humanly impossible. How on Earth can you be there all of the time? How would you live? I can’t ask that of you, but then again I can.

I need to smother someone with my love and I need it in return. It’ll never happen and that saddens me more than anything.