I can’t stop my brain. I tried….

Well. I guess the extent of my trying is whining and bitching on Tumblr and then sleeping when no one listened.
I also attempted to drown myself in TV and homework but they didn’t work either.
I’m miserable and this is a special sticky, molasses type of miserable that I can’t unstick.
My old ways of “coping” would have been to hurt myself and take too many pills. I’d sleep all day and night and eventually check into the hospital.
I have zero desire to do either thing. I know none of it will help me and is more of a colossal waste at this point. This isn’t growth or anything. I knew self injury and abusing pills was bad, I did it anyway. I just need help.
I have so much weighing on me right now that even summarizing it is a heavy task. There’s so much stress to finish up loose ends for the wedding and there’s a lot left and I’m doing it by myself. I feel overwhelmed.
There’s also my classwork. I am trying so hard to stay on top of it but this is the worst time I could be in a class.
I am seriously getting cold feet and I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I have no therapist and no friends. I feel like Chris barely talks with me anymore. Like it’s a chore.
I hate looking at myself. In pictures or the mirror or even a reflection and I’m about to get married and I’m terrified. I hate my hair and my face and my body and everything and I’m not getting any support because I haven’t shared with anyone but…..well I get sad because I feel like my future husband should make me feel good once in awhile and he doesn’t even try. He has to know something is wrong with me right now but I feel like he’d rather not address it and would rather ignore it until it until it resolves itself. How are we going to stay married if we can’t help each other through emotional shit?
I mean, there’s so much going on in my head right now and I just keep breaking down. I’m crying every night.  No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. I feel isolated and ugly and I don’t know how I’m going to go on anymore. I’m not happy. Getting married in two months isn’t going to magically make me happy either.
We have not dealt with our non-existent sex life, which I know has to be bothering him. It’s been almost a year since we had sex last. I think about it and it terrifies me. I’m also scared he’s looking elsewhere. I don’t have anything to go off of but a fear.
These are all things I need to resolve and now!
I need someone now.
I have no one.

swinging back and forth

This weekend I was devastatingly depressed, until Sunday. Sunday was a good day. And now today, I’m back to laying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I missed PHP, again. I don’t feel like dealing with the dog, eating, or finishing laundry.
My psychiatrist will probably say it’s a problem with my meds.
My therapists will know that it’s because I’m alone. Plain and simple. I cannot take being alone. Nothing throws me into a depressive slump quicker. This makes me feel weak and like a burden. I smother those around me. I’m terrified of being alone.

Medication is a necessity for me. *UPDATE*

I am lost right now. My medications have been reduced to almost nothing, and for those of you who live with mental illness and require them, you understand how this feels.

I was to undergo a sleep study last week for narcolepsy, finally.Apparently you’re not allowed to be on certain medications while you undergo sleep studies because they can give false results. Whatever. So, I had to begin the fun task of titrating down off of my anti-D and Vyvanse. I say titrate, but really, it wasn’t very slow. They cut me in half for a week, then cut me off. I crashed and I crashed hard. I don’t believe it was a result of just the meds, but a combination of the medications plus, my shit life.

I began burning again, I missed work, slept all day, stayed up all night, and now I’m back to splitting again in my relationships. A lot of black and white thinking occurring over here! Some serious depression happening, which is bringing out my my BPD symptoms. I feel isolated, alone, and like no one cares. I’m picking fights with Chris. I’m abandoning my few acquaintances I do have on Facebook, just because I don’t think they’re reaching out to me. I even began abusing my Klonopin again.¬† Spiral down wardssssss.

I found out a few days after visiting the doctor that they did not accept the clinic I went to, so my appointment would be pushed to April 30th. Yep, I am now going to have to wait. So, what about my medications? Well, the nurses couldn’t answer that question. I made several calls to find out and it took 4 days to finally get an answer: I was to take 50mg of my anti-D (I normally take 150mg) and do not resume the Vyvanse. 4 days prior to the study, stop taking the anti-D. YAY!

Today is the 19th and I missed work, I haven’t showered in two days, and I’m crying over everything. I have zero motivation, I’m apathetic, and I’m pretty much pissy. I just want a hug, but I want it from the people who aren’t here to give one to me. I want, I want, I want what I cannot and will not get/have.

I feel so utterly shitty and alone. I want someone to pet my hair and treat me like a sick 7 year old. I want a caring mother. I want to lay in bed and be loved and listen to music and eat junk and whine and do what I WANT.

No stress. No worry on my mind.

Instead, I have to act like I’m not mentally fucked. I have to act like I’m not disappointed that people aren’t acting concerned. I have to pretend, like always. I’m tired of it.

 

save yourself

Maybe I should face the reality that being alone is more convenient for me. I am less likely to hurt someone and not know it. I’m less likely to be hurt. They won’t have to deal with the fact that I’m in and out of hospitals and treatment. They won’t have to walk around my feelings. They won’t have to worry about finding my body. They won’t have to support me financially, emotionally, and physically. They can pursue a life more like the one they’ve always dreamed of. Go on, be happy.

So many thoughts and feelings, not enough time

The breathing exercises aren’t enough. My mind is in overdrive today. I’ve been over analyzing things and then analyzing them again. Every time I try to slow my brain down and clear my head, I’m only able to do so for a few seconds.

There were a couple occasions in the car ride home where I almost broke down and sobbed. I was able to breathe and keep my composure. I’m just kind of bummed right now though. I just feel like these exercises are making it more possible for me to suppress and bury my feelings instead of dealing with them. I understand the premise to control my emotions and actions at that moment so as not to freak out or do something regretful but it’s just enabling me to become more of an emotional shell of a person.

I’m not learning the skills I need to effectively and safely cope with these incidences and these events that are causing such a strong emotional reaction. I don’t feel the way I do for no reason. It may seem minor to many who don’t understand why and how I feel, but to those that do… well, you know.

I feel I have so much inside that I need to get it out or I’m going to explode. This is the main reason I have this blog. I hope to have a release of some sort as well as a way to possibly help others like me. I still feel I need to tell the people involved in the creation of my emotional woes that they are doing so. The issues I have with this is that I’m terrified they’ll leave me. As confrontational as I am in other areas of my life, I can’t seem to get the balls to handle the shit I need to handle. Why am I the only one that feels, yearns, to release my thoughts and feelings? Why am I the only one that wants to talk things out and make them better? I feel like no one cares anymore. I feel like I’m living out this whole argument and fight inside my head and I’m not getting anywhere.

I’m hoping this new counselor that I start seeing tomorrow morning might be able to help me with this. It’s frustrating to not know what to do and to not have someone to help me know.

Scared and alone

I broke. I had regained my composure, with plans to relax and then sleep the day off. I came home to animosity and anger. I finally broke when I had to change my sheets, for the third time. I’ve been crying on and off for 20 minutes. I’m just so tired of this shit. Emotional exhaustion.

DC to HEP on my physical therapy slip = discharge to home program. I am really feeling depressed and abandoned here. Rough, rough night.

I knew this day would come but I still didn’t prepare myself. I don’t know how to prepare myself, honestly. I went through this with my therapist a few years ago and my ex-best friend after that. Each time, I ended up doing something bad. I either cut all my hair off or admitted myself to the hospital. I can’t do either this time. I don’t know what to do.