i’m overwhelmed

i honestly don’t know how i’m keeping it together right now because i just want to cry and fall apart and just breathe!!!! but i have to act like everything is okay but in all actuality my stomach hurts 98% of the time and i can’t eat anything and i’m not sleeping well and i’m so stressed and so anxious and on the verge of tears and a break down at any moment and i have no one to talk to, which is the most painful part.

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Thoughts that betray

When you have thoughts in your head that you know, logically, are wrong, but you still think them and believe them to be true, just a little bit. Just enough to where they hurt. Enough that they depress you and make you hate yourself. These thoughts seem to come like a tsunami.

You’re fat ugly boring mean stupid useless mean lazy

Why is he marrying you? You should just disappear. Why are you even bothering? Stay in bed. Don’t shower. You’ll never look like that so don’t bother. You’ll always be horrible.

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you the opposite, sometimes your brain gangs up on you and won’t stop. When those people that are most important in your life don’t bother to positively boost you and build you up, it doesn’t help you defeat these thoughts at all. You sometimes can’t do it alone and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be tackled alone. We’re social beings.

Lately my brain cannot/will not slow down. Every silent moment is filled with racing negative, self defeating thoughts. I cry every night and trying to complete the simplest of tasks is becoming impossible.

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Negative racing thoughts have a lot of power. We shouldn’t just shrug them off and treat them like some minor nuisance. They have a major impact on our emotional well being and acting like they’re something we can just turn off is ignorant and dangerous. Learning how to change our coping when we have negative thoughts is more effective, in my opinion, than just telling someone to change their thoughts. If we learn to effectively cope with our thoughts then we are more likely to be able to learn how to challenge negative thoughts in the future.

I cannot pretend that I know how to handle oppressive, self defeating, negative thoughts. I have them everyday, sometimes all day. Lately, I have been dealing with them on a regular basis and I don’t know how to handle it. I cry a lot. I try to journal and let it out. I sleep. I just keep going. I know that I’ve been through a lot worse and I can get through this too.

Please consider donating any amount you’re able to my walk for American Suicide Prevention.

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=427468

I will be joining thousands of others nationwide, this fall, to walk in AFSP’s Walk “Out of the Darkness” Community Walk, to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

I have personally dealt with major mental illness, including several suicide attempts, as well as several family members’ struggles with mental illness. Funding for suicide prevention is integral and extremely important.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Please consider a donation today and maybe even joining me for the walk!

Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation please click the “Support This Participant” button on this page.

Thank you for visiting my fundraising page!

PS- Please contact me if you’re interested in starting a team.
Watch this video and please, help with whatever you can.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSMQ84wORIs&feature=player_embedded

Three years…

It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.

I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.

I’m a procrastinator and it’s all my fault

I am on week 9, the last week of my Math class, and I have my final due on Sunday. I am still behind, on week 4 precisely, and have so much makeup work to do. If I don’t pass this class, I will have to take it again and pay for it myself, out of pocket, which would be around 1200 bucks. Needless to say, I don’t have it. I do this every class. I procrastinate and don’t do the work and then I get so far behind, I am stressed and swamped the last week. I am even more worried with this being a math class because I’m horrible at math and feel like it’s a foreign language. If it were writing a bunch of papers, I would be fine, but… ugh. I’m so tired. Stress just makes me want to disappear into a hole.

I may be having seizures without even knowing it.

So for many years now, I’ve had these odd panic attacks that I’ve never really known how to describe or why they happened. They were always kind of different from my other normal panic attacks. I didn’t experience the same physical symptoms: tightness in chest, racing heart, trouble breathing, etc. They always had these weird auditory symptoms as the main focal point. Everything around me was intense and way too loud. It was like someone had turned the volume up a million times too loud, including inside my head. My own thoughts were too loud. You can imagine how horribly frightening this could be. It had a very “I’m going crazy” effect the first few times it happened.

Luckily these “attacks” generally only happen at home. I have noticed no pattern as to what causes them. I sometimes have them in the shower or when I’m on the computer. They just seem to come out of nowhere and they last about 20 minutes or so. There’s really nothing I can do to stop them. I know that I have to take cold/tepid showers now and that’s about it.

I told my ARNP about the one I had today because I’m finding that they are getting more frequent and more intense. I described the symptoms to her and she said that it sounded more like a seizure and not like a panic attack. Seizure?! What?! Because I’m on Topamax, they may be happening more frequently because of the medication. This whole time, I may have been having seizures and not even have known it. How many health issues can I write off because of this now?

I now have to contact Volunteers in Medicine and see if I qualify. She wants to see about getting me a neurological workup. Also, I just did some minor research on Auditory seizures and this is the first thing that popped up:

Aura (symptom) – An aura is the perceptual disturbance experienced by some migraine sufferers before a migraine headache, and the telltale sensation experienced by some people with epilepsy before a seizure. When occurring, auras allow epileptics time to prevent injury to themselves and/or others.

Auras can also be confused with sudden onset of panic, panic attacks or anxiety attacks creating difficulties in diagnosis. The differential diagnosis of patients who experience symptoms of paresthesias, derealization, dizziness, chest pain, tremors, and palpitations can be quite challenging.[1]

Some examples:

  • Heightened sensitivity to hearing
  • Someone speaking at a level and normal tone sounds like they are shouting loudly
  • Feelings of numbness or tingling on one side of the face or body
  • Feeling separated from one’s body
  • Feeling as if one or multiple limbs are growing
  • Anxiety or fear
  • Weakness, unsteadiness

I’ve experienced all of those above and when I found this on Wikipedia, I nearly burst into tears. It’s like something is finally explaining my life for the last several years. I’m not even exaggerating. These are all symptoms I totally thought were unique to me and I thought were weird and no one would possibly understand if I tried to explain them. Here they are, right there. Someone else has had them!

I might be having seizures. It’s weird to think about but if I am, I need to know now and I need treatment. One more thing to tackle.

Meds update:

So my Topamax and Doxepin (mood and antidepressant) are staying the same. I was starting to notice heightened stress and anxiety/panic levels which were leading to OCD symptoms surfacing. I mentioned this to my ARNP and she put me back on Klonopin! Yay! I missed it so much. I finally have something to help with my crippling anxiety again instead of just breathing exercises and avoidance. This will help me get out of the house now and further get over my agoraphobia. It will also help remedy my physical issues I’ve been experiencing, like tightness in my chest and difficulty breathing. I also don’t need to start counting, picking, or pulling again.

I started the Vyvanse (this was my second day) and so far I like it. I take it when I get up each morning and it does what it’s meant to do. It generally works about 12-13 hours. I haven’t noticed any physical side effects, aside from weird visual “trails”, but that will subside, I’m sure. No jitters, no racing heart, nothing like Ritalin. It just gradually helps me with my energy level through out the day. I’m not a morning person at all and where I would normally need a nap when I get home from work, I’m perfectly fine. I haven’t tested it in regards to concentration yet. I might do that tomorrow.

I’m pleased either way so far. Medications fucking rock.