You’re an attention seeker!

Stop shitting all over people. Stop it right now. Don’t undermine and invalidate other people because you’re ignorant to their intentions or feelings. Just because you’ve never been there or that’s not how you would handle it, that doesn’t make it wrong.

Too many times, we hear that we’re attention seeking, perpetually depressed, or sometimes people actually believe that what the mentally ill are experiencing is a stage. A period of time that ALL people go through and you just need to get over it. That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works!

If I choose to wallow in my mood by listening to music and watching movies and blogging, then let me! If you choose to exercise and clean, or whatever happens to improve your mood for that moment, then have a blast! Not everyone processes things the same way and we all need to find our niche. Once we do, it’s comforting.

Coming onto Tumblr, and other sites with mentally ill/dark blogs, is a comfort and release for many of us. It’s a way to seek support and possibly vent. Why is this frowned upon? Some people don’t have anywhere else to go.

When I was first diagnosed 10 years ago, there was no internet comparable to the way it is now. There was MySpace and horribly stigmatic psychological information to digest. The first groups that began springing up were poorly run and ended up being suicide watch instead of a support for all involved. Tumblr came around and I was absolutely thrilled. I could be open and not be judged. It was fabulous!

Why do we have this incessant desire to share our hopelessness, our fears, and our behaviors online for all to read and, sadly, judge us? There’s something about “getting it out there” that is promising to us. We need it out of us and out there, into the world. We need it to be real.

Advertisements

I can’t stop my brain. I tried….

Well. I guess the extent of my trying is whining and bitching on Tumblr and then sleeping when no one listened.
I also attempted to drown myself in TV and homework but they didn’t work either.
I’m miserable and this is a special sticky, molasses type of miserable that I can’t unstick.
My old ways of “coping” would have been to hurt myself and take too many pills. I’d sleep all day and night and eventually check into the hospital.
I have zero desire to do either thing. I know none of it will help me and is more of a colossal waste at this point. This isn’t growth or anything. I knew self injury and abusing pills was bad, I did it anyway. I just need help.
I have so much weighing on me right now that even summarizing it is a heavy task. There’s so much stress to finish up loose ends for the wedding and there’s a lot left and I’m doing it by myself. I feel overwhelmed.
There’s also my classwork. I am trying so hard to stay on top of it but this is the worst time I could be in a class.
I am seriously getting cold feet and I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I have no therapist and no friends. I feel like Chris barely talks with me anymore. Like it’s a chore.
I hate looking at myself. In pictures or the mirror or even a reflection and I’m about to get married and I’m terrified. I hate my hair and my face and my body and everything and I’m not getting any support because I haven’t shared with anyone but…..well I get sad because I feel like my future husband should make me feel good once in awhile and he doesn’t even try. He has to know something is wrong with me right now but I feel like he’d rather not address it and would rather ignore it until it until it resolves itself. How are we going to stay married if we can’t help each other through emotional shit?
I mean, there’s so much going on in my head right now and I just keep breaking down. I’m crying every night.  No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. I feel isolated and ugly and I don’t know how I’m going to go on anymore. I’m not happy. Getting married in two months isn’t going to magically make me happy either.
We have not dealt with our non-existent sex life, which I know has to be bothering him. It’s been almost a year since we had sex last. I think about it and it terrifies me. I’m also scared he’s looking elsewhere. I don’t have anything to go off of but a fear.
These are all things I need to resolve and now!
I need someone now.
I have no one.

Please consider donating so I can walk to end stigma and raise money for suicide prevention.

Please donate here

I will be joining thousands of others nationwide, this fall, to walk in AFSP’s Walk “Out of the Darkness”, to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

I have personally dealt with major mental illness, including several suicide attempts, as well as several family members’ struggles with mental illness. Funding for suicide prevention is integral and extremely important.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Please consider a donation today and maybe even joining me for the walk!

 

Please consider donating any amount you’re able to my walk for American Suicide Prevention.

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=427468

I will be joining thousands of others nationwide, this fall, to walk in AFSP’s Walk “Out of the Darkness” Community Walk, to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

I have personally dealt with major mental illness, including several suicide attempts, as well as several family members’ struggles with mental illness. Funding for suicide prevention is integral and extremely important.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Please consider a donation today and maybe even joining me for the walk!

Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation please click the “Support This Participant” button on this page.

Thank you for visiting my fundraising page!

PS- Please contact me if you’re interested in starting a team.
Watch this video and please, help with whatever you can.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSMQ84wORIs&feature=player_embedded

Three years…

It’s been a really tumultuous three years but I’m still here, fighting and whining and bitching and crying and, well, healing. I’ve been with my current therapist for three years! It’s just, well, it’s just unbelievable. First off, you’re not supposed to go past 10-12 sessions at the women’s center where I see her, so three years is unheard of. I don’t know how she’s worked it out, but I’m very grateful. I only pay $15 a session and wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than that. Second, I should have died a few times by now if it weren’t for her help. I almost successfully committed suicide in August and I’ve been hospitalized three subsequent times since. She’s been there for me the whole time, as much as she was able to.

I’m terrified that she will leave the women’s center she’s been at (she’s been getting her hours for license certification) and go elsewhere. If it’s somewhere in Jacksonville and we can work on price, I’ll be fine. The problem is, she live in Amelia Island, and I cannot afford to drive that far for therapy. I’m dreading the day she tells me that she is leaving. I don’t think I can handle it. I guess until then, I will cherish every session with her.

Here we go again…

I just burned myself for the first time in a long time. So long, I’d stopped counting. I would be beating myself up over it but it felt so good.

I feel lower than low, right now. I have so much self hate right now, I’m running through ways to make myself even more ugly, more invisible, and basically make my physical appearance mimic how I feel inside. I want to shave my head and dye it black. I want to burn my arms all over and never shower, get dressed, or brush my teeth.

I feel like nothing. I am nothing but a burden. The world would be better off without me, but I can’t even manage to properly kill myself. I’m lost.

Scared to cry

I can remember the moment I was told my mother had cancer. I was about 14/15, I was in my moms bedroom, and my Aunt was on the phone. I tried to hold back, but I was overwhelmed by the thought that my mom was going to die. I bawled. I felt embarrassed for crying.

I’ve been told all of my life that my extreme, and normal, feelings were invalid. I was told to stop crying, that it’s not that bad, etc. And I carry this invalidation with me, everywhere I go. I am reluctant to cry in front of people to this day. I go numb. It took me at least a year to do so in front of my therapist, and I still find myself holding back.

Emotional invalidation is reprehensible behavior. You are telling someone their feelings are bullshit, so don’t have them. Emotions are 100% natural and bottling them up causes immeasurable damage.